Tag Archives: sarah palin

Caroline Kennedy and the Palin Playbook

This is not really what you want to see on the cover of the New York Times when you’re trying to get yourself named to an open senate seat:

Here's to the handlers.

Here's to the handlers.

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Get Your Blagojevich/Palin 2012 Tote Bag!

That’s right folks, just in time for the Christmas giving season, Sweet Merciful Crap is releasing a limited-edition, one-of-a-kind, incredibly versatile Blagojevich/Palin 2012 Tote Bag! Be the first on your block to get one! This unique, hand-crafted item is perfect for expressing your support for America’s two most beleaguered public officials. Their comebacks start with you!

Only $17.99

Only $17.99

Act now: Vote Stupidity and Hubris in 2012!

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The Obama Endorsement

It’s a formality for me personally at this point to say it, but I endorse Barack Obama to be the next president of the United States.  It’s a formality because the man has had my vote coming for him since March 10, 2006 when I saw him give a speech in the Ira Allen Chapel at the University of Vermont.  I have a hearty distrust of all politicians, I am not a party guy one way or the other, and I am as cynical a man as you will find, but I came out of that place believing in Barack Obama as a person.  I don’t know if he’ll be a good

Liberal Elitist, My Ass!

Liberal Elitist, My Ass

president or not, that’s impossible to know; but I know I will never again have a chance to vote for anyone like him in my lifetime, and that is good enough for me.  Nonetheless, I offer the following reasons as well:

The Republican Party needs to be blown up and rebuilt for its own good, for the good of two-party democracy, and for the restoration of legitimate conservative ideas.   God-driven neoconservatism is an ugly, brutal, and stupid side of America, that has done nothing but deliver us a litany of national humiliations and shamings.  It is a great misfortune that this malignancy has taken over and continues to occupy the spine of the Republican Party.  It has coughed up impossibly incompetent fools like Tom Delay, Jack Abrhamoff, and George Bush.  Neoconservative thinking ran up a national debt of 10 trillion, led us into an unnecessary and unending war in Iraq, sat by and watched a major American city drown, gave massive tax cuts to the wealthiest people on earth, systematically dismantled as many environmental and consumer safety protections as possible, gave billions in American taxpayer subsidies to drug and oil companies, illegally spied on Americas, and established secret prisons to torture people all over the world.  When called upon to account for these failings, neoconservatives respond by slandering opponents as un-American and ask for reelection on the grounds that they are the most god-fearing candidates, and never mind their incompetence or low intellectual capacity.  It is a thinking that embraces ugly, petty, mean and vicious fools like Michelle Bachman, Roy Blunt, Rick Santorum, and Saxby Chambliss.  It is past time to purge these idiotic swine from the halls of power. Reform of the GOP starts at the top, and it starts with a 2008 electoral flogging so bad that the forces of the Republican party are forced to confront the discomforting, yet necessary, idea that they(and we)  were led horribly askew by the crooks, bunglers, and liars they ceded the helm to 2000 and 2002.

John McCain and his advisers evidently disagree with the above line of thinking.  The McCain I might’ve voted for in 2000 and 2004 apparently decided early in his presidential run that it would be shrewd to both a) abandon most of his admirable policy based principles and b) embrace President Bush’s brand of neoconservatism for his campaign run.  This candidate McCain ’08 is not who he really is, and this is why he will lose.  I hope there is a moment when he sits down and realizes what he has done, and what shame he has brought to his well-earned reputation with the campaign he has conducted.  For a man who has served his country honorably his entire life to completely cast aside his decency for eight weeks and run around the country whipping up a frenzy of hate, and fear, and bigotry can be described as nothing less than an embarrassing disgrace.  One day, I believe the real John McCain will have a moment, at least in his own head, where he realizes the despicableness of the campaign he has run. There is certainly still time to repair the damage to his honor in the eyes of history, and I suspect and hope he will do so.  

The selection of Sarah Palin for vice president was an automatic disqualifier for the GOP ticket; it was his first major presidential level decision, and he failed it.   She is a venomous muppet, unleashed on America solely for the purpose of riling the fools and rubes to the polls.  Her selection would be amusing were it not so terrifying immediate.  The world’s capitalist economy is collapsing, we are engaged in two wars, millions of Americans can’t get basic medical care, we are running out of oil, and John McCain nominates someone who thinks humans and dinosaurs walked the earth at the same time and two years ago was mayor of a town without its own fire department.  No sale.  She should be (dis)regarded as the national embarrassment she is.

But again, I would vote for Obama regardless of whom he was running against.  What a credit to this nation it would be if we elected someone who had lived the American dream, a black man who was born in Hawaii, raised in Kansas, who went to do community service work after graduating college and worked himself into the upper echelons of society through hard work, natural skill, intelligence, and ambition. That is A-fucking-merica, God Damn it: I want an America where crazy success stories like that are possible!  The fucker is as smart as they come.  And besides, I say stir the pot:  He has the potential to be a transformational president, someone who permanently changes the paradigm of American government, to move us beyond the bitter Vietnam-era divisions of the Baby Boomers.

The bastards work for me, they are asking for my vote, and they serve at my pleasure and the pleasure of us all.  The last several months have been one long job interview, and it is hard to think of anyone out there, let alone John McCain, who could have made a better argument for me hiring him or her than Barack Obama.  He has been cool, calm, calculating throughout the most grueling task on earth, a run for the American presidency on a major ticket.  He is young, energetic, intelligent and dynamic.  He has not once become flustered or upset.  He has the temperament and wisdom to lead.

No one could be a more thorough repudiation of the last eight years of George Bush than this Barry guy, and that is a good thing, he has come along at the perfect time.  We need to expunge the historical stain left by those treacherous Government-by-Crooked-Dumb-Jesus-Nuts as thoroughly as possible.  He is a repudiation of everything Bush and Delay and Santorum and Cheney and Rumsfeld stand for.  Again, I don’t know whether he’ll be a good president, but he is firmly standing up to the insane Jesus-fueled ineptitude that has governed us for the last eight years and that is enough for me.

But in the end, it all comes back to the idea that there will be many, many more chances to vote for a treacherous rich white hack like John McCain (lord knows, we’ve had plenty of them), but none to vote for a man as unique, talented, thoughtful and original as Barack Obama.  He is a man of the moment, arrived- perhaps- at precisely the right time.  That there is a chance to vote for such a person defies all odds.  It really is once-in-a-lifetime, and I’ll take that chance any day.  11/3/08 ZHAllen

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Sarah Palin’s $150,000 Wardrobe Review

So the Republican Party went out and bought $150,000 worth of clothing for VP nominee Sarah Palin, eh?  Who really cares at this point?  The GOP is cooked, destined for another 16 years of minority rule and bitching from the shadows about them damn democrats.  When the major news networks tick off PA Blue on Nov. 4th, you can fairly well pop the champagne, and no one will give a good god damn about $150,000 that was spent to make this fucking muppet look more fashionable.  Nonetheless, we felt bound to take a harder look at where all that money was sunk:

Sassy Storm Trooper Commandant

Sassy Storm Trooper Commandant

We like to call this little number the “Sassy Storm Trooper Commandant,” for when you want a little extra flare, a little extra pizazz, during your annual review of the shock troops.  Est. cost= $3,200

Ho-down Storm Trooper Commandant

Hoe-down Storm Trooper Commandant

This is a good number to throw on when you’ve got another storm trooper review to conduct that day, but feel like you might like to hit the line dancing floor to dance some jigs with the fellas and some cold Budweiser after work.  Here, Sarah loosens her hips before blowing off work.  Est cost: $2,400

Sarah Palin as Our Overlord

Sarah Palin as Our Overlord

This is the look of someone who would try to ban books from your local library or outlaw gum chewing in your local town or run a dominatrix dungeon in a neighborhood basement.  It’s certainly lacking something though, like maybe a ray gun, or radiation shield.  Est. Cost= 20,000 Spacebucks

Sarah Pali, Honoring The Grizzly Bear

Sarah Palin, Honoring The Grizzly Bear

When the day comes to honor your state’s wonderful natural heritage and wildlife, what better outfit than a nifty little zip-up and miniskirt?  This ensemble just screams: I love nature. Est. Cost= N/A

Sarah Palin... resting her ass on the grizzly bear

Um… or not.

Patriotic Kool-Aid Cupcake Mom

Patriotic Kool-Aid Cupcake Mom

This pre-VP nomination assault on our collective sensibilities just proves what you all are afraid to admit:  The RNC needed to buy this low-key, humble, and hard-working American hockey mom $150,000 worth of designer clothing.  She looks like a damn fruit drink here. Est. Cost: $50 from bake sale proceeds.

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The Sweet Merciful Crap Store Is Open

Your editors are pleased to announce the opening of the official Sweet Merciful Crap store, chock full of heady, limited-edition merchandise.  Treat your friends, loved ones, and co-workers to our exclusive t-shirt with an obscure reference that you yourself could make with little more than five minutes’ effort.  Grant yourself a  little mystique and cache by wearing a t-shirt that perhaps 5% of  the population will understand.  Check it out now at http://www.cafepress.com/mercifulcrap Made in the USA?  You bet, motherfucker.

UPDATE: For those having trouble with the reference:

Show your support for Barack!
Show your support for Barack!

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The Unthinkable, Thunk

Nobody is really talking about it, perhaps for fear of Secret Service investigations or general reasons of morbidity/propriety, but I can’t shake the thought that some deranged loner out there will take a shot at knocking off Barack.  I don’t like thinking or talking about these things, but watching McCain and Palin whirl around the country to rally after rally for the general purpose of whipping up hate, bigotry, fear, and viciousness over these last few days, has brought me to worry about this possiblity… and I am sorry to admit that, especially given that we are in the year 2008 AD.  It’s terrifying to consider, but the evidence does not lie: There are people out there who sincerely believe that Obama is some sort of Muslim Communist Terror Cell leader, someone who- upon taking office- will immediately construct minarets on the East Wing of the White House lawn and order the Department of Education to distribute suicide bomber vests to American School Children.  What is certainly yet more terrifying is that the McCain/Palin axis is doing its damndest to encourage these fears, and riling up the gun freak vote, those that are growing desperate with rage and terror.  Economic chaos coupled with the prospect of ole’ Barry in the White House might just be enough to push one over the edge.

We are poised for a great moment in American history, that moment when Barry takes the oath.  I have almost come to believe that he arrived precisely for these treacherous times, a man of the historical moment, who descended at the hour when the country needed someone to rise to great things.  A black man in the White House, a watershed moment in world history is near, and while it’s not fair to blame McCain or Palin for originating the sense of impending doom these people feel (they didn’t create idiocy, they’re only exploiting it), their hate rallies have me very worried.  If you were stupid enough to believe he was some sort of terrorist Manchurian Candidate, that Obama was a threat to American democracy, would you act? One twisted lone freak with the will, motivation, desire, and right kind of well-sighted weaponry is all it would take to throw the future of American Republican Government into jeopardy.   I don’t like thinking about this… but it needs to be thought about.

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Champions of Savagery

We’ve got a new wolf-hunting ad out from some PAC today.  I don’t have a problem with hunting, so long as some level of skill is employed.  Aerial hunting is for twits.  If we’re talking about being a skilled woodsman, then Michelle Obama has Sarah Palin beat by a country mile.  But if the issue in question is one of savagery, well, it’s not really fair to hit Palin on this point, simply because I know Michelle Obama to be far more brutal and vicious than Sarah Palin.

I went hunting in the woods of Michigan’s Upper Peninsula not too long ago, and I rang up Michelle, asking if she might like to come along. We rented a cabin up there together for a week, just the two of us.  Michelle’s a crack shot, especially for a city girl.  Hell, on our first day there she blasted a Barn Owl Nest near the cabin clear to hell from a range of 150 yards using 12-gauge birdshot, “just to wake up a little bit.”

Being in the woods brings out some sort of deeply suppressed primordial viciousness in her.   When she has a gun, her deep dark eyes become extremely sharp and cutting.  She is in a state of total alert.  Anything that moves in the woods around her gets blasted to hell.  She travels with lots of ammunition and only top quality firearms.  I never felt in danger around her, per se, but the savage look she takes on when she is armed and prey is about forces you to think twice about making any sudden movements.

Midway through the week we were stalking a herd of caribou when some crows took to squawking away behind us, revealing our position to the caribou.  You could see the frustration and rage bubbling up in her eyes as her will was being thwarted.   She finally pivoted around and unloaded five furious pump-action blasts at the crows, falling scores of them.  It completely spooked off the caribou, but she didn’t care at that point: something had crossed her, frustrated her from her objectives and she dealt with that as only she knew how.

We did finally bag a caribou on our last day.   Michelle put two .50 caliber rounds in it’s neck from a range of 400m, nearly severing its head in a fine pink mist.  She took no visible joy in the kill and was silent as she walked up to the carcass and used her jack boots to kick away the twisted cartilage and shards of bone fragments in the neck, exposing the Caribou’s adrenal gland.  She reached in and wrenched it out, ripping it from the still-warm body. She held it with a firm grip, quizzically looking it over before sinking her teeth into it and sucking out the still warm caribou adrenaline and then throwing it into the snow.  Her body shivered for a moment and her eyes glazed over. “Fuck,” she said after a minute, “I need to get back to Chicago.”

Cindy was never like that.  Cindy and I used to snuggle with a bottle of shiraz and three or four Vicodin near the fire on those cold Sedona nights.  We would start a raging fire, curl up on the bearskin rug John received from some tribal lobbying concern, and play Mario Kart until we couldn’t keep our eyes open anymore, collapsing on one another in a fine cozy haze.  In the mornings we would go back over to the main residence to play pinball while the butlers cooked us eggs.  Those were fine times.  I miss them dearly.

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