Here’s a neat party trick: If you happen to be sitting around with a bunch of self-assertive women and you feel like kicking things up on the interesting scale, just go ahead and let slip that “I would jump on Cindy McCain so much quiker than I would Sarah Palin.” It’s like getting an audience with the Queen of the Netherlands and then farting in front of her- the outrage is that bad- the girls will turn to each other in excited manners, proclaiming “I can’t believe he really thinks that, pffftt… ” “Sarah Palin is a babe, NO WAY, what’s wrong with you?” and so forth. Don’t stop there though, keep piling it on, you’ll be surprised at how offended normal women get when you profess to like some old blonde botox repository over the sassy, new & fashionable GOP VP pick. Use reason to bolster your arguments: Be like “look, if the choice is between a 44-year-old Jesus nut who has popped out five kids and a 54-year-old beer heiress who has had three, I’m going with the beer heiress,” or “Look, It’s just that I fancy a fading 9 over a fading 8.” I’m not sure I even think Cindy McCain is hotter than Sarah Palin. But I’m pretty sure I do.
Don’t get me wrong, this is a conversation of relativity: Cindy looks like the blonde, botoxed aunt of the Cryptkeeper- with those weird, jeweled eyes and plastic face. But she’s rich, went to USC and if YOUR wife looks that good at 54, then you could reasonably consider yourself a fairly fortunate fellow.
But, fucking hell, look at Palin’s Vogue cover. They can make anybody look hot on the cover of Vogue that is what the cover of Vogue is for, making people look hot. So presumably this is the best they could do for Palin: She looks like some kind of glamorous troll… her face looks like a block of overly cheerful pastry strudel (albeit with a fine chassis).
Off the cover of Vogue, she looks like any other suburban housewife librarian, they are a dime a dozen in the dairy section on any given Wednesday afternoon. But people seem to have this notion that giving a speech that comes out somewhere to the right of Mussolini makes her this supermodel personification of women’s empowerment. Which is fine, I guess, hell she was even Miss Alaska… but she wouldn’t have a chance at grabbing that title in Mississippi or Tennessee.
Anyway, the key to stirring up this controversy with women in your life is to actually start believing Cindy is hotter than Palin. First convince yourself of this and then go spew it around. You’ll be surprised at the results. (Note: Jill Biden is certainly hotter than both these women… but nobody knows who Jill is…)