If anyone can help me figure out why the hell Joe Biden put on and removed his glasses at least two dozen times during the SOTU last night, I’ll fax you a beer.
Tag Archives: barack obama
I had a quick interview with President-elect Obama the other day. It was a little rough in parts. I think it’s because of the stress related to finding the right kind of Portugese Water Dog he promised his daughters, but perhaps not. Anyway, the transcript follows. I’ve included audio for Barack, but since themic was pointed away from me and towards him, I am a bit garbled on the recording and am hence going to just type out my questions.
P. Mcgraw: Hey Mr. President, thanks for taking the time to talk with me today. Let’s cut right to it then, if the so-called stress tests your administration imposes on the nation’s leading banks discovers massive systemic insolvency of our financial system and we are indeed staring down the barrel of nationalization of large swaths of America’s private banks, what, then, is your reaction?
Um… well, okay, I guess that might be the case for a lot of us. I’d have to admit that I am not as up-to-speed as I could be on the whole financial mess…
Well, that’s… I… just…. I… don’t know what to say about that Mr. President. I’m not sure that’s a fair criticism, this is my first interview with a major public figure. My next question was about Sarah Palin…
Right, yeah, well, I don’t disagree with that. Did you ever meet her during or after the election, and if so, what did you say?
Well, don’t you think Todd Palin might object to that kind of come on?
Again, no disagreement here… say, do you think you could share some of those fries with me? I haven’t eaten since-
Well, ok… um… say, my friends and I are having a little wine and cheese party later tonight… do you… ah… would you care to go? Maybe unwind a bit?
We’re proud to introduce our new feature, Puddle of Suck, which is the list of all things at least one half of Sweet Merciful Crap’s editorial board considers really, really lame right now. –PM
Burberry– Really, it’s time to let this pattern go. Where did it come from? Why did unisex plaid ever become popular anyway? It’s become impossible for me to take anyone wearing any amount of Burberry very seriously. “I know, I’ll get the same pretentious and overpriced scarf that everyone else in the world has right now. Why not?”
Bruce Springsteen– Look, his music sucks to my ears, but I would never question people who like him just because I don’t happen to. You can listen to whatever you want for all I care. I booed him loudly in a bar at the end of his Superbowl performance for no real reason other than that I felt like doing it. People looked at me like I had just spat on the Pope; the disgust that I would brazenly jeer at an American Icon was very visible on their faces. I even had someone try to physically silence me with a hand to prevent this blasphamy. Bruce Springsteen can get the hell out of my hot tub right now.
Those brown Louis Vuitton handbags- Unfortunately for all you ladies with these things, they don’t come in sizes large enough to hold all the insecurities you clearly have to be carrying around. Remember the old 1930s photos when everyone was wearing a black tophat. You guys are that for the new millenium.
Volvo Doors- It’s one thing to have a loose suspension or a rattling transmission now and then, it’s entirely another to have to scamper into your automobile from the rear passenger side like some kind of deranged hobo car thief each time you want to run to the liquor store because some geeky Swedish assembly line worker fucked up three different door hinges in the course of an afternoon.
Obama Worshipping- Now that the election is over it’s time to tone down the Obama fellatio a bit and see if this son of a bitch can actually fix anything. That Shepard Fairly print in the window of your studio apartment and the “We Did It” sticker on your Subaru are going to look pretty stupid in two years when he has dissolved the Congress and we are all scavangeing the bones of dead friends for scraps of meat after the world socio-economic order has completely collapsed. Hell, it’s already starting to look dumb with all these tax deadbeats he is trying to cram down our throat.
Patriots Fans- I have listened to their whining nonsense for way too long thi season. They have entire blogs and writers devoted to moaning and bitching about their horrible fortune. If you even try to bring up the subject of football in their presence, the fucking winghing like a silly gang of whores: “Jake Delhomme is just killing my fantasy team right now-” “I can’t believe what happened to Tom Brady. It was so unfair.” For a franchise that was so moribund as to be on the verge of leaving town with hardly a whisper of protest from a disaffected fan base nary a decade ago, they sure are pretty enthusiastic these days.
Exercise- Fuck Exercise.
It’s a formality for me personally at this point to say it, but I endorse Barack Obama to be the next president of the United States. It’s a formality because the man has had my vote coming for him since March 10, 2006 when I saw him give a speech in the Ira Allen Chapel at the University of Vermont. I have a hearty distrust of all politicians, I am not a party guy one way or the other, and I am as cynical a man as you will find, but I came out of that place believing in Barack Obama as a person. I don’t know if he’ll be a good
president or not, that’s impossible to know; but I know I will never again have a chance to vote for anyone like him in my lifetime, and that is good enough for me. Nonetheless, I offer the following reasons as well:
The Republican Party needs to be blown up and rebuilt for its own good, for the good of two-party democracy, and for the restoration of legitimate conservative ideas. God-driven neoconservatism is an ugly, brutal, and stupid side of America, that has done nothing but deliver us a litany of national humiliations and shamings. It is a great misfortune that this malignancy has taken over and continues to occupy the spine of the Republican Party. It has coughed up impossibly incompetent fools like Tom Delay, Jack Abrhamoff, and George Bush. Neoconservative thinking ran up a national debt of 10 trillion, led us into an unnecessary and unending war in Iraq, sat by and watched a major American city drown, gave massive tax cuts to the wealthiest people on earth, systematically dismantled as many environmental and consumer safety protections as possible, gave billions in American taxpayer subsidies to drug and oil companies, illegally spied on Americas, and established secret prisons to torture people all over the world. When called upon to account for these failings, neoconservatives respond by slandering opponents as un-American and ask for reelection on the grounds that they are the most god-fearing candidates, and never mind their incompetence or low intellectual capacity. It is a thinking that embraces ugly, petty, mean and vicious fools like Michelle Bachman, Roy Blunt, Rick Santorum, and Saxby Chambliss. It is past time to purge these idiotic swine from the halls of power. Reform of the GOP starts at the top, and it starts with a 2008 electoral flogging so bad that the forces of the Republican party are forced to confront the discomforting, yet necessary, idea that they(and we) were led horribly askew by the crooks, bunglers, and liars they ceded the helm to 2000 and 2002.
John McCain and his advisers evidently disagree with the above line of thinking. The McCain I might’ve voted for in 2000 and 2004 apparently decided early in his presidential run that it would be shrewd to both a) abandon most of his admirable policy based principles and b) embrace President Bush’s brand of neoconservatism for his campaign run. This candidate McCain ’08 is not who he really is, and this is why he will lose. I hope there is a moment when he sits down and realizes what he has done, and what shame he has brought to his well-earned reputation with the campaign he has conducted. For a man who has served his country honorably his entire life to completely cast aside his decency for eight weeks and run around the country whipping up a frenzy of hate, and fear, and bigotry can be described as nothing less than an embarrassing disgrace. One day, I believe the real John McCain will have a moment, at least in his own head, where he realizes the despicableness of the campaign he has run. There is certainly still time to repair the damage to his honor in the eyes of history, and I suspect and hope he will do so.
The selection of Sarah Palin for vice president was an automatic disqualifier for the GOP ticket; it was his first major presidential level decision, and he failed it. She is a venomous muppet, unleashed on America solely for the purpose of riling the fools and rubes to the polls. Her selection would be amusing were it not so terrifying immediate. The world’s capitalist economy is collapsing, we are engaged in two wars, millions of Americans can’t get basic medical care, we are running out of oil, and John McCain nominates someone who thinks humans and dinosaurs walked the earth at the same time and two years ago was mayor of a town without its own fire department. No sale. She should be (dis)regarded as the national embarrassment she is.
But again, I would vote for Obama regardless of whom he was running against. What a credit to this nation it would be if we elected someone who had lived the American dream, a black man who was born in Hawaii, raised in Kansas, who went to do community service work after graduating college and worked himself into the upper echelons of society through hard work, natural skill, intelligence, and ambition. That is A-fucking-merica, God Damn it: I want an America where crazy success stories like that are possible! The fucker is as smart as they come. And besides, I say stir the pot: He has the potential to be a transformational president, someone who permanently changes the paradigm of American government, to move us beyond the bitter Vietnam-era divisions of the Baby Boomers.
The bastards work for me, they are asking for my vote, and they serve at my pleasure and the pleasure of us all. The last several months have been one long job interview, and it is hard to think of anyone out there, let alone John McCain, who could have made a better argument for me hiring him or her than Barack Obama. He has been cool, calm, calculating throughout the most grueling task on earth, a run for the American presidency on a major ticket. He is young, energetic, intelligent and dynamic. He has not once become flustered or upset. He has the temperament and wisdom to lead.
No one could be a more thorough repudiation of the last eight years of George Bush than this Barry guy, and that is a good thing, he has come along at the perfect time. We need to expunge the historical stain left by those treacherous Government-by-Crooked-Dumb-Jesus-Nuts as thoroughly as possible. He is a repudiation of everything Bush and Delay and Santorum and Cheney and Rumsfeld stand for. Again, I don’t know whether he’ll be a good president, but he is firmly standing up to the insane Jesus-fueled ineptitude that has governed us for the last eight years and that is enough for me.
But in the end, it all comes back to the idea that there will be many, many more chances to vote for a treacherous rich white hack like John McCain (lord knows, we’ve had plenty of them), but none to vote for a man as unique, talented, thoughtful and original as Barack Obama. He is a man of the moment, arrived- perhaps- at precisely the right time. That there is a chance to vote for such a person defies all odds. It really is once-in-a-lifetime, and I’ll take that chance any day. 11/3/08 ZHAllen
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UPDATE: For those having trouble with the reference:
Nobody is really talking about it, perhaps for fear of Secret Service investigations or general reasons of morbidity/propriety, but I can’t shake the thought that some deranged loner out there will take a shot at knocking off Barack. I don’t like thinking or talking about these things, but watching McCain and Palin whirl around the country to rally after rally for the general purpose of whipping up hate, bigotry, fear, and viciousness over these last few days, has brought me to worry about this possiblity… and I am sorry to admit that, especially given that we are in the year 2008 AD. It’s terrifying to consider, but the evidence does not lie: There are people out there who sincerely believe that Obama is some sort of Muslim Communist Terror Cell leader, someone who- upon taking office- will immediately construct minarets on the East Wing of the White House lawn and order the Department of Education to distribute suicide bomber vests to American School Children. What is certainly yet more terrifying is that the McCain/Palin axis is doing its damndest to encourage these fears, and riling up the gun freak vote, those that are growing desperate with rage and terror. Economic chaos coupled with the prospect of ole’ Barry in the White House might just be enough to push one over the edge.
We are poised for a great moment in American history, that moment when Barry takes the oath. I have almost come to believe that he arrived precisely for these treacherous times, a man of the historical moment, who descended at the hour when the country needed someone to rise to great things. A black man in the White House, a watershed moment in world history is near, and while it’s not fair to blame McCain or Palin for originating the sense of impending doom these people feel (they didn’t create idiocy, they’re only exploiting it), their hate rallies have me very worried. If you were stupid enough to believe he was some sort of terrorist Manchurian Candidate, that Obama was a threat to American democracy, would you act? One twisted lone freak with the will, motivation, desire, and right kind of well-sighted weaponry is all it would take to throw the future of American Republican Government into jeopardy. I don’t like thinking about this… but it needs to be thought about.
I was having lunch with a friend today and he pointed out something hilarious and actually quite obvious about the GOP’s line of attack after the debate. On Friday, the spin room was buzzing with media hacks criticizing Obama for agreeing with McCain on a number of occasions. The campaign has even gone so far as to use Obama’s conciliatory moments in an attack ad. The circular and self defeating logic here is amazing. He’s basically saying, “My opponent is so unfit to lead that he actually agrees with some of my policy positions. How could you vote for a man who thinks that I know what I’m talking about!”
If that’s the best they got, its gonna be a long October. Oh well, at least they have the VP debate to look forward to.