Bill Romanowski, what the hell happened? This is not the picture of a man who breaks jaws, spits on faces and made a living scaring the shit out of quarterbacks.
And seriously, who the fuck is on the phone that could be more important than your precious rainbow, your PR firm? First a powerpoint for Pat Bowlen and now an image makeover; they must be busy. They put you up to this—the rainbow, the thumbs-up, the Nolan comment.
While you’re rebuilding your image, why not donate a truck or two of protein shakes and supplements to help the Haitians rebuild. I bet it would make a nice powerpoint slide in your case for that D-coordinator vacancy in Denver.
Sure, these are a few days late, but our crack astrologer Buck Delano was busy last month on some sort of weird mission to Central America where he was trying to procure large amounts of fertilizer. Why? The stars know why.
Aquarius- Think hard about this one- when was the last time you actually watched another human being put on a pair of socks? Not in a movie, or anything, but live. When was the last time? Has it been a while?
Pisces– Why not export the entire NBA wholesale to Chinese as way to pay down the national debt? Nobody would miss it after a year except Ernie Johnson, and we need to get those treasury notes back on our soil somehow.
Leo– Your wife is quite a dish.
Scorpio– I love your pants! They’re fantastic!
Cancer– Your stream of consciousness is heavily silted.
Virgo– You need to stop drinking over a liter of soda a day. That shit is gross and everyone is noticing.
Capricorn– You know that feeling you get when a really hot chick is way into you and you fucking know it and you can say nothing wrong in front of her and she is so digging your shit and you wake up and it’s Friday morning and you have plans to hang out with her tonight and every step you take and every word out of your mouth that day is exactly perfect and you know it because it feels like raw fucking MDMA is being shot out of every neuron in your synaptic cortex? If you could bottle that up and sell it, you would awesome. Better living through chemistry.
Sagittarius– How are you still alive? Fuck Sagittariuses.
Aries– If you knew how much money and pussy this website gets us, you would keel over with envy.
Taurus– Anyone still wearing the stock Apple iPhone earbuds in this day and age is queerbait. Get some nice over-the-ear headphones with some drivers in them.
Gemini– Looking for a change in your life? Buy some explosives. Why not?
Libra– That pang of guilt you feel for that bad thing you did last week? That is actually early-stage onset syphilis. Go get that checked out right away.
This country just never runs out of reasons for me to love it. Take this truck that whizzed by me this morning. This photo is a touch blurry, but hopefully you can make out the giant Bald Eagle shredding documents and dropping them in a trashcan. This is a most excellent logo. It says, “That’s right folks, The Great Bird of America will come right to your office or home and shred your sins to tatters with its powerful talons.”
If only Jeff Skilling had found this evidence-destroying raptor in time. It is not easy to train a bird for this kind of work, but the payoff is well worth it. Skilling hired a team of 25 Guatemalans to come up to the 30th floor of Enron and jam thousands of papers into giant shredders by hand. But this was dumb, and they obviously didn’t do a very good job in the end. Any smart man would’ve hired a magnificent Bald Eagle to shred that evidence. A hungry eagle can shred 320 reams an hour if you whip it into a proper frenzy. Don’t make the mistake Skilling did…