Author Archives: pmcgraw

Long Live the Vuvuzela

You know what? Stop bitching about the Vuvuzelas. Sweet Merciful Crap is the only site on the internet that supports the Vuvuzela, and do you know why that is? Because every other person on the planet is bitching and moaning about them. It has become eminently fashionable, this summer’s popular way for people to make that friendly, non-threatening stranger blather on a bus or chitchat with a co-worker. “Man, I am enjoying the World Cup, but have you heard those horns? They sound like a swarm of BEES! SOOOOO annoying!” It’s a sure way to find common ground with someone to bring this up, but you have to be a colossal pussy to voice your displeasure with the Vuvuzela; when you find yourself doing so, do realize it means you have nothing better to say.

Everybody else in the world has made the insight that the horns are annoying, why not pile on? That’s just what everybody needs: one more person talking about how they don’t like the horns at the World Cup. RIck Reilly can’t properly convey how much our collective fucking sensibilities are offended by the background noise at a soccer match everybody only watches once every four years. Only whiny French midfielders are expected to bitch about their being too much noise at the world’s biggest sporting event.

Well, you know what? We here at SMC do like the horns. The Vuvuzelas make it sound like something exciting is constantly happening. Who the fuck are you to question another culture’s way of expressing excitement anyway? That’s the kind of attitude that led to colonialism, you low-rent bigot asshole. And besides, you’re telling me if you travelled halfway around the world, were walking into a World Cup match and somebody handed you a giant fucking horn to blow all game long you wouldn’t blow on that horn for 90 minutes? YOU LIE!

All of you shut up. Long live the Vuvuzela.

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Canada’s Stupid Olympic Jersey Ad

Really Canada?  Sure  you are going to kick everyone’s asses in Vancouver, but do you not see how patently idiotic this ad is?

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Naked Pictures of Bill Simmons’ Wife

Ha-ha. Remember this old trick, you fucking sucker? There are no pictures of Bill Simmons wife, at least not here. This post only begs you to ask yourself: why am I Googling for pictures of some goofy looking sportswriter’s wife? Is it just because his book hit number one on the New York Times’ best-seller list that you are now taking time out of your day to search the Internet for some anonymous mother of two?  Does that justify it? Sure it doesn’t take long to run an internet search, and you were curious, and it was there. But think about this: when was the last time you called your dear old mother to tell her that you love her? When was the last time you flossed you teeth? When was the last time you looked up a word you didn’t know in the dictionary? I don’t know how you would answer any of these questions specifically, but I can say that you have definitely spent a portion of your life Googling for photos of some random wife more recently…

There are plenty of fun other things to do on the internet besides… see, here is a hot chick, and below her, an bear playing hockey!

Bill Simmons' Wife

Not Bill Simmons' Wife

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Sweet Merciful Crap Horoscopes

Sure, these are a few days late, but our crack astrologer Buck Delano was busy last month on some sort of weird mission to Central America where he was trying to procure large amounts of fertilizer.  Why?  The stars know why.

Aquarius- Think hard about this one- when was the last time you actually watched another human being put on a pair of socks?  Not in a movie, or anything, but live.  When was the last time? Has it been a while?

Pisces– Why not export the entire NBA wholesale to Chinese as way to pay down the national debt?  Nobody would miss it after a year except Ernie Johnson, and  we need to get those treasury notes back on our soil somehow.

Leo– Your wife is quite a dish.

Scorpio– I love your pants!  They’re fantastic!

Cancer– Your stream of consciousness is heavily silted.

Virgo– You need to stop  drinking over a liter of soda a day.  That shit is gross and everyone is noticing.

Capricorn– You know that feeling you get when a really hot chick is way into you and you fucking know it and you can say nothing wrong in front of her and she is so digging your shit and you wake up and it’s Friday morning and you have plans to hang out with her tonight and every step you take and every word out of your mouth that day is exactly perfect and you know it because it feels like  raw fucking MDMA is being shot out of every neuron in your synaptic cortex?   If you could bottle that up and sell it, you would awesome.  Better living through chemistry.

Sagittarius– How are you still alive? Fuck Sagittariuses.

Aries– If you knew how much money and pussy this website gets us, you would keel over with envy.

Taurus– Anyone still wearing the stock Apple iPhone earbuds in this day and age is queerbait.  Get some nice over-the-ear headphones with some drivers in them.

Gemini– Looking for a change in your life?  Buy some explosives.  Why not?

Libra– That pang of guilt you feel for that bad thing you did last week?  That is actually early-stage onset syphilis.  Go get that checked out right away.

 

 

 

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Eagle Shredder

Picture 1

This country just never runs out of reasons for me to love it. Take this truck that whizzed by me this morning. This photo is a touch blurry, but hopefully you can make out the giant Bald Eagle shredding documents and dropping them in a trashcan. This is a most excellent logo. It says, “That’s right folks, The Great Bird of America will come right to your office or home and shred your sins to tatters with its powerful talons.”
If only Jeff Skilling had found this evidence-destroying raptor in time. It is not easy to train a bird for this kind of work, but the payoff is well worth it. Skilling hired a team of 25 Guatemalans to come up to the 30th floor of Enron and jam thousands of papers into giant shredders by hand. But this was dumb, and they obviously didn’t do a very good job in the end. Any smart man would’ve hired a magnificent Bald Eagle to shred that evidence.   A hungry eagle can shred 320 reams an hour if you whip it into a proper frenzy. Don’t make the mistake Skilling did…

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We Shill For You

Want us to shill your product in some vain hope it will pay off for you?  Of course you do, you filthy swine, you would walk over your invalid grandmother to sell your pathetic little entrepeneurial bullshit idea to enough people so you don’t have to go back to working in that grim cubicle for The Man ever again.  You salivate at the prospect of being able to tell chicks in the bar that “I work for myself,” and that “I’m my own boss, I started up a company for myself.”  You envision their panties melting in front of your eyes when you tell them this… and one review on our site will make it happen for you, you pathetic, want wit horsefucker.

The only crime in this country is FAILURE, you lazy fucking bastards: We get over 600 FUCKING HITS A DAY on this site!  It is a fucking unstoppable colollsus of brand imaging potential, marching through your neighborhood like a merciless Godzilla run amok on PCP, jerking people out of their living rooms by the neck and screaming “buy this fucking product!” And they obey, because we are incredibly influential.

And do you know what all this priceless exposure costs you?  Not a goddamn thing.  It costs you a trip to the post office and the postage to mail us free product.  That’s it. Soon thereafter you’ll see your fucking product on our site, and when you do, you know you have it made like Ed Hardy… unless we decide we don’t like it, in which case our merciless written savagery for your stupid bullshit product will leave you slumped against  a wall weeping like a war widow.  To avoid this predicament we only want products to do with violence, sex, greed, absurdity, mail-order steaks, sports, and booze. DON’T FUCKING WASTE OUR TIME!  We shill for you! Look what we did for the fucking Blitzball!  You probably never even heard of that shit before us.  Integrity?  Fuck you.  Contact us here: mercifulcrap@gmail.com

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The Sweet Merciful Crap Puddle of Suck

Every now and then as the exercise of our sensibilities demands, we list here things that our offending our editors this month. This is known as the Sweet Merciful Crap Puddle of Suck.

Ed Hardy– When I see these faded, never-were LA Cougars walking around with 110-dollar bullshit rhinestone  t-shirts that say “Death Before Dishonor,” it makes me say “Really? You really believe that?”  Then why the fuck are you walking around the promenade shopping at the Gap on a Tuesday afternoon eating Pinkberry when US Marines are out trying not to be blown to shreds on a roadside in Ramadi? Fuckfaces. Your existence itself is dishonorable.  Just because you have 75 dollars to spend on a baseball cap doesn’t mean you’re anything but a goofy douche bag.

Just say no.

Just say no.

Smartcars– Fuck Smartcars. Here’s one to bend the mind of the next asshole who extols how great SmartCars are for the environment: “Well, I guess, but about 2,000 Indians/Chinese who couldn’t afford a car are now able to afford one of these rolling soupcans. Honestly, we’d all be better off if the only cars for sale in the world were 120,000$ Hummers, nobody could afford them.”  Not to mention this:

IKEA– Ikea particle board is the worst thing to happen to in the history of furniture.  Sure it seems like a good idea at the time you buy a bed frame for 29 dollars, but in about four weeks those cheap screws they put in there will be shifting all around.  The only enjoyment I got out my Ikea bed was taking it out back and smashing it with an axe.  Fucking cheapass particleboard.

Small Dogs– Actually, the title of this category of suck is inapt, because as an old friend of mine put it so elegantly: It’s not a dog if you can fit it in the microwave.  Men were not meant to be walking around in public with small animals on leashes, it is that simple.

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