Sweet Merciful Crap Horoscopes

Sure, these are a few days late, but our crack astrologer Buck Delano was busy last month on some sort of weird mission to Central America where he was trying to procure large amounts of fertilizer.  Why?  The stars know why.

Aquarius- Think hard about this one- when was the last time you actually watched another human being put on a pair of socks?  Not in a movie, or anything, but live.  When was the last time? Has it been a while?

Pisces– Why not export the entire NBA wholesale to Chinese as way to pay down the national debt?  Nobody would miss it after a year except Ernie Johnson, and  we need to get those treasury notes back on our soil somehow.

Leo– Your wife is quite a dish.

Scorpio– I love your pants!  They’re fantastic!

Cancer– Your stream of consciousness is heavily silted.

Virgo– You need to stop  drinking over a liter of soda a day.  That shit is gross and everyone is noticing.

Capricorn– You know that feeling you get when a really hot chick is way into you and you fucking know it and you can say nothing wrong in front of her and she is so digging your shit and you wake up and it’s Friday morning and you have plans to hang out with her tonight and every step you take and every word out of your mouth that day is exactly perfect and you know it because it feels like  raw fucking MDMA is being shot out of every neuron in your synaptic cortex?   If you could bottle that up and sell it, you would awesome.  Better living through chemistry.

Sagittarius– How are you still alive? Fuck Sagittariuses.

Aries– If you knew how much money and pussy this website gets us, you would keel over with envy.

Taurus– Anyone still wearing the stock Apple iPhone earbuds in this day and age is queerbait.  Get some nice over-the-ear headphones with some drivers in them.

Gemini– Looking for a change in your life?  Buy some explosives.  Why not?

Libra– That pang of guilt you feel for that bad thing you did last week?  That is actually early-stage onset syphilis.  Go get that checked out right away.





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