Want us to shill your product in some vain hope it will pay off for you? Of course you do, you filthy swine, you would walk over your invalid grandmother to sell your pathetic little entrepeneurial bullshit idea to enough people so you don’t have to go back to working in that grim cubicle for The Man ever again. You salivate at the prospect of being able to tell chicks in the bar that “I work for myself,” and that “I’m my own boss, I started up a company for myself.” You envision their panties melting in front of your eyes when you tell them this… and one review on our site will make it happen for you, you pathetic, want wit horsefucker.
The only crime in this country is FAILURE, you lazy fucking bastards: We get over 600 FUCKING HITS A DAY on this site! It is a fucking unstoppable colollsus of brand imaging potential, marching through your neighborhood like a merciless Godzilla run amok on PCP, jerking people out of their living rooms by the neck and screaming “buy this fucking product!” And they obey, because we are incredibly influential.
And do you know what all this priceless exposure costs you? Not a goddamn thing. It costs you a trip to the post office and the postage to mail us free product. That’s it. Soon thereafter you’ll see your fucking product on our site, and when you do, you know you have it made like Ed Hardy… unless we decide we don’t like it, in which case our merciless written savagery for your stupid bullshit product will leave you slumped against a wall weeping like a war widow. To avoid this predicament we only want products to do with violence, sex, greed, absurdity, mail-order steaks, sports, and booze. DON’T FUCKING WASTE OUR TIME! We shill for you! Look what we did for the fucking Blitzball! You probably never even heard of that shit before us. Integrity? Fuck you. Contact us here: firstname.lastname@example.org