Every now and then as the exercise of our sensibilities demands, we list here things that our offending our editors this month. This is known as the Sweet Merciful Crap Puddle of Suck.
Ed Hardy– When I see these faded, never-were LA Cougars walking around with 110-dollar bullshit rhinestone t-shirts that say “Death Before Dishonor,” it makes me say “Really? You really believe that?” Then why the fuck are you walking around the promenade shopping at the Gap on a Tuesday afternoon eating Pinkberry when US Marines are out trying not to be blown to shreds on a roadside in Ramadi? Fuckfaces. Your existence itself is dishonorable. Just because you have 75 dollars to spend on a baseball cap doesn’t mean you’re anything but a goofy douche bag.
Smartcars– Fuck Smartcars. Here’s one to bend the mind of the next asshole who extols how great SmartCars are for the environment: “Well, I guess, but about 2,000 Indians/Chinese who couldn’t afford a car are now able to afford one of these rolling soupcans. Honestly, we’d all be better off if the only cars for sale in the world were 120,000$ Hummers, nobody could afford them.” Not to mention this:
IKEA– Ikea particle board is the worst thing to happen to in the history of furniture. Sure it seems like a good idea at the time you buy a bed frame for 29 dollars, but in about four weeks those cheap screws they put in there will be shifting all around. The only enjoyment I got out my Ikea bed was taking it out back and smashing it with an axe. Fucking cheapass particleboard.
Small Dogs– Actually, the title of this category of suck is inapt, because as an old friend of mine put it so elegantly: It’s not a dog if you can fit it in the microwave. Men were not meant to be walking around in public with small animals on leashes, it is that simple.