Monthly Archives: September 2009

Sen. Hatch, Defender of “Right to Life” …Sort of

C-Span’s coverage of the Finance Committee debates on healthcare got a little interesting today (interesting on C-SPAN is relative, I admit). Senator Hatch has his panties in a bunch and introduced an amendment to the Senate healthcare proposal that explicitly calls out abortion and restricts any Federal funds from paying for or subsidising any insurance policy covering abortion. He would require such coverage to come from a private supplemental policy women could purchase. I assume he expects women to forecast unintended, forced or dangerous pregnancies—even those with clear health risks—or bear the entire cost of the procedure themselves.

The underlying argument being that use of Federal funding (i.e., tax payer monies) for a procedure that does not uphold and respect a “right to life” is morally wrong. Despite this reasoning being applied to issues relating to a woman’s right to chose, prosecution of the 45 Federal capital offenses in the United States Code draws no such criticism. In Fact, Senator Hatch even voted to expand the list of Federal capital offenses in 1994*; does he expect others to take his “right to life” rhetoric seriously if even he cant?

A Plebian.

*U.S. Senate Roll Call Votes 103rd Congress – 2nd Session

H.R. 3355 (Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act of 1994 )

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Non-Jewish Phillies Fans – $100 (Sec. 324 Row 3 (2 tix))

Date: 2009-09-24, 4:23PM EDT
Reply to: sale-fam5j-1390375182@craigslist.org

attention: non-jewish phillies fans

not only is monday yom kippur, it also happens to be dollar dog night at the park. how cruel of the phillies, selling such succulent swine treats, so cheaply as jews, forbidden to taste, break fast at sundown.

it also is a sold out game. 2 tickets. a benjamin takes the lot—each ticket pays for itself after only 17 hot dogs!

i’ll meet you in center city this weekend.

  • Location: Sec. 324 Row 3 (2 tix)
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/tix/1390375182.html

-ED

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Best Computer Game Ever.

Some game franchises introduce new versions every year. You [Mr. Madden] know who you are. The true masterpieces, though, in a mere iteration or two not only withstand tests of time, but transcend it. These games are as good, if not better, now than they were at their introduction. Games like “GoldenEye 007” and “Mario Kart” fit that bill.

Oregon Trail 2By that measure, “Oregon Trail”  is, was and shall forever remain the ultimate gaming masterpiece. And the geniuses at MECC managed to sneak it into damn near every public school in the country. For nearly a decade Oregon Trail was the only reason kids wanted to jump on the Apple II sitting on a desk in the back of the classroom. Shit, the only reason I know places like Chimney Rock, Fort Kearney and the Willamette Valley is the countless number of wagon trips I led along the trail.

Anyhow, before it gets too nostalgic here’s a link back to 4th grade:

Oregon Trail

Play Oregon Trail.

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Go Fly A Kite.

flyakite

What the hell is wrong with our country that not a single big-box retailer will sell me a kite? All I wanted to do was fly a goddamn kite on the beach this Labor Day weekend; it should not have taken five stores and two hours just to find the kite. Seriously, you can buy 800 different lego sets, 2,000 different video games, a bazillion movies, even a shotgun at Walmart, but ask the kind senior citizen at the door where to find a kite and you’ll likely get a blank stare. Not the usual blank stare of the Walmart greeter, but the same one you’d get if you asked where they keep the Monique Lhuillier wedding gowns.

“We don’t have those here.” was all I got. Same story at Dick’s Sporting goods: tons of useless shit, and again more shotguns, but no goddamn kites. At Target there were no shotguns, but plenty of stupid toys and games to go around. Eastern Mountain Sports, home of The North Face, doggie protein bars and technical equipment galore, but nothing with the simplicity and efficiency of the kite.

I ended up at PIP Squeak & Wilfred. They have toys that make wealthy and idealistic parents and their children feel both smarter and more entitled. They also have kites. It was luck that the EMS guy tipped me off to the kites.  I find it unconscionable that one must go to such extremes to procure a kite.

Save our youth, write a letter, as I have, to your local big-box retailer demanding they stock kites. Lest we lose another generation to degenerate video games, Legos and shotgun fights.

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We Shill For You

Want us to shill your product in some vain hope it will pay off for you?  Of course you do, you filthy swine, you would walk over your invalid grandmother to sell your pathetic little entrepeneurial bullshit idea to enough people so you don’t have to go back to working in that grim cubicle for The Man ever again.  You salivate at the prospect of being able to tell chicks in the bar that “I work for myself,” and that “I’m my own boss, I started up a company for myself.”  You envision their panties melting in front of your eyes when you tell them this… and one review on our site will make it happen for you, you pathetic, want wit horsefucker.

The only crime in this country is FAILURE, you lazy fucking bastards: We get over 600 FUCKING HITS A DAY on this site!  It is a fucking unstoppable colollsus of brand imaging potential, marching through your neighborhood like a merciless Godzilla run amok on PCP, jerking people out of their living rooms by the neck and screaming “buy this fucking product!” And they obey, because we are incredibly influential.

And do you know what all this priceless exposure costs you?  Not a goddamn thing.  It costs you a trip to the post office and the postage to mail us free product.  That’s it. Soon thereafter you’ll see your fucking product on our site, and when you do, you know you have it made like Ed Hardy… unless we decide we don’t like it, in which case our merciless written savagery for your stupid bullshit product will leave you slumped against  a wall weeping like a war widow.  To avoid this predicament we only want products to do with violence, sex, greed, absurdity, mail-order steaks, sports, and booze. DON’T FUCKING WASTE OUR TIME!  We shill for you! Look what we did for the fucking Blitzball!  You probably never even heard of that shit before us.  Integrity?  Fuck you.  Contact us here: mercifulcrap@gmail.com

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Naked Shill: The Blitzball.

The mail department here at SMC gets its share of press releases and solicitations. I wonder how many meetings they had at 5W Public Relations before they could send me this thought provoking gem:

Story Idea: Celebrity Influence on Teens/Youth

Once in a blue moon the promise of something cool or something free is enough to garner a response. Enter  Blitzball. Kim Zaharias sent such a note promising “the ideal product for backyard baseballers to live that dream.” The product in question appeared to be a Wiffle Ball on crack—at least in the promotional video, so we had to have one. What “that” dream was didn’t really matter; we just wanted the swag.

BlitzballSure enough, the good folks at Kimberly Ellen & Company sent out a Blitzball for the editors to throw around. Our first outing was cut short in the parking lot of Club Risque on a Thursday night following a Phillies game. We only got a few tosses in before a bouncer got excited. After a heated discussion who exactly owns the street (infield) and who owns the parking lot (outfield) and where he’d stick our new toy if the Blitzball were to leave the infield, we decided to cut and run.

It took some time to get used to throwing the thing, which was odd because it’s a lot like a baseball. Once we did, the ball was dancing almost like it did in the promo video. Blitzball is not only a Wiffle Ball on crack, it’s been juicing too. It throws harder, hits harder and flies farther than the its lighter Wiffle Ball cousin. Its only fault may be it’s heavy-duty construction and speed, which makes it difficult to use in any crowded area (as the bouncer at Risque pointed out so nicely).

And here it is, your naked shill: Blitzball is available from College Hill Games.

blitzballshot

P.S.

5W Public Relations: Stop with the “story ideas.”

The General Public: Buy a Blitzball.

College Hill Games: Make more games.

Kim at Kimberly Ellen & Co.: Please send more toys.

All For Now.

-AP

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The Sweet Merciful Crap Puddle of Suck

Every now and then as the exercise of our sensibilities demands, we list here things that our offending our editors this month. This is known as the Sweet Merciful Crap Puddle of Suck.

Ed Hardy– When I see these faded, never-were LA Cougars walking around with 110-dollar bullshit rhinestone  t-shirts that say “Death Before Dishonor,” it makes me say “Really? You really believe that?”  Then why the fuck are you walking around the promenade shopping at the Gap on a Tuesday afternoon eating Pinkberry when US Marines are out trying not to be blown to shreds on a roadside in Ramadi? Fuckfaces. Your existence itself is dishonorable.  Just because you have 75 dollars to spend on a baseball cap doesn’t mean you’re anything but a goofy douche bag.

Just say no.

Just say no.

Smartcars– Fuck Smartcars. Here’s one to bend the mind of the next asshole who extols how great SmartCars are for the environment: “Well, I guess, but about 2,000 Indians/Chinese who couldn’t afford a car are now able to afford one of these rolling soupcans. Honestly, we’d all be better off if the only cars for sale in the world were 120,000$ Hummers, nobody could afford them.”  Not to mention this:

IKEA– Ikea particle board is the worst thing to happen to in the history of furniture.  Sure it seems like a good idea at the time you buy a bed frame for 29 dollars, but in about four weeks those cheap screws they put in there will be shifting all around.  The only enjoyment I got out my Ikea bed was taking it out back and smashing it with an axe.  Fucking cheapass particleboard.

Small Dogs– Actually, the title of this category of suck is inapt, because as an old friend of mine put it so elegantly: It’s not a dog if you can fit it in the microwave.  Men were not meant to be walking around in public with small animals on leashes, it is that simple.

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