Saturn is in it’s apogee and as Mars completes it’s regression in the third quarter of a waning Gibbous moon, our secret mystical diviner here at Sweet Merciful Crap have the following insights about your life. -Ed.
Sagittarius- Go fuck yourself.
Capricorn- The Futures Market is where it’s at for you this month. Go long on sorghum. Way long on sorghum.
Leo- This will be a good time for you to kill animals, wild or domestic. Don’t delay.
Aquarius- Take a chance on laundering those Nigerian lottery winnings you keep getting emails about. Sure it doesn’t look reputable, but who knows?
Pisces- You smack of incompetence. Not much to be done about that.
Virgo- That nagging paranoia that follows you everywhere is well-felt. Everyone is out to get you. Especially the bankers.
Aries- Who the hell is an Aries anyway? It sounds made up.
Libra- You are in for a very happy month, everyone likes you. Maybe a good time to buy that blender you’ve had your eye on.
Taurus- Time to get up off the couch and onto the recliner.
Cancer- If you’ve been thinking about defrauding the government, you are on the right track.
Scorpio- Kill firefighters.
Gemini- Lock yourself in your room with a pile of cocaine and pump Grandmaster Flash continuously. Call it good.