Horoscopes For the Second Half of July.

Saturn is in it’s apogee and as Mars completes it’s regression in the third quarter of a waning Gibbous moon, our secret mystical diviner here at Sweet Merciful Crap have the following insights about your life. -Ed.


Sagittarius- Go fuck yourself.

Capricorn- The Futures Market is where it’s at for you this month.  Go long on sorghum.  Way long on sorghum.

Leo- This will be a good time for you to kill animals, wild or domestic.  Don’t delay.

Aquarius- Take a chance on laundering those Nigerian lottery winnings you keep getting emails about.  Sure it doesn’t look reputable, but who knows?

Pisces- You smack of incompetence.  Not much to be done about that.

Virgo- That nagging paranoia that follows you everywhere is well-felt.  Everyone is out to get you.  Especially the bankers.

Aries- Who the hell is an Aries anyway?  It sounds made up.

Libra- You are in for a very happy month, everyone likes you.  Maybe a good time to buy that blender you’ve had your eye on.

Taurus- Time to get up off the couch and onto the recliner.

Cancer- If you’ve been thinking about defrauding the government, you are on the right track.

Scorpio- Kill firefighters.

Gemini- Lock yourself in your room with a pile of cocaine and pump Grandmaster Flash continuously.  Call it good.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Horoscopes For the Second Half of July.

    • pmcgraw

      That was a typographical error on the part of our new intern, and in no way affects the accuracy of these predictions. The second Leo was, of course, intended as Gemini.

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