Monthly Archives: June 2009

Michael Jackson Autopsy Photos Released!

What? Is that true? Are those photos here? No, unfortunately what you seek is not here. And what were you doing trolling the Internets looking for them anyway? Do you not have any better way to honor the King of Pop than by seeking pictures of his stiff, prostrate, glue-colored corpse, its chest cavity hacked open with a bone saw? There are much better ways to honor his memory rather than picking over his emaciated corpse like a digital vulture. You could be out in the world laying a wreath at his star on the Walk of Fame, or sitting around in your room blowing cocaine and spinning your old Thriller record, or discreetly watching children play at a local park from behind some shrubs.  Anything would be more fitting really.
The King is dead. Long Live the King.

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Pirate Hunters Ahoy!

I’m sure everyone’s seen the story about the high-rolling russian oil tycoons who are paying to go “pirate hunting” off of Somalia. Ananova has a version posted on the web that is pretty popular—except they decided not to run the entire story.

The story on Ananova cites the Austrian business paper “Wirtschaftsblatt” as the genesis for the story. Well lucky for me I speak German, so I clicked over to the Wirtschaftsblatt and uncovered the story. And sure enough there it was, only the last line struck me:

Anmerkung der Redaktion: Goldman Morgenstern & Partners gibt bekannt, dass es sich hier “vermutlich um Satire” handelt.

And even if you don’t speak German, the Austrians provided an english version of the article right below that line. An english version that is eerily similar to the one on Ananova, save for the last line which is translated as:

Comment of the editors: Goldman Morgenstern & Partners tells us, that “they believe”, this story is “satire”.

Some other details in the original German story, left out in the translation include the cost of a grenade launcher with three grenades ($175) and cost of using a deck mounted machine cannon ($475). So while this too-good-to-be-true vacation seems to be a big hoax, we’re keeping our eyes out for someone who may in fact decide offer this dream vacation, and right now it looks like only congress could offer this kind of fun.

Armed with a rifle, the airship Resolute's civilian crew patrolled the Pacific for subs.

So if you’re keen to go out and “get some” pirate, your best bet is to appeal to exercise your rights as a Privateer by asking Congress for a letter of marque, as outlined in Article 1 Section 8 of the Constitution. Goodyear managed to get one and rigged their Blimp to drop bombs on warships and subs, so Tom Perkins, if you’re out there we’re working on the note from congress and we’d love to borrow the Maltese Falcon.

A. Plebeian

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The Worst Ad On Television

If you’ve watched any amount of TV over the past several months, you’ve probably seen the following ad play at least once. It’s standard Marine fare, for the most part, but one glaring outrage really sets it apart from the rest. See if you can spot what it is:

Still stumped? Do you recognize this?
Picture 6

Yes, it’s a V-22 Osprey, the most hideous example of military procurement run amok this country has ever known. Putting a shot or two of such a hideous boondoggle into the ad in and of itself is not so galling, but when you put the text “WE DON’T MAKE COMPROMISES” so as to directly fall between an aircraft so patently shitty that it killed more than 20 Marines while in development, cost more than 27 billion dollars to develop, and doesn’t possess enough basic protection/reliability to be flown in combat, you’re either an idiot, don’t care, or assume your viewers are all fools. A troop transport plane that can’t fly in combat. No compromises indeed.
If there were any sense in the world, the existing Osprey’s would all be scrapped and sold to the Chinese.

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Mercifully Absurd 3.JUN.09

_DSC2481Res ipsa loquitur….

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