After months and months of people stopping us in the street and asking “when is Sweet Merciful Crap going to start publishing horoscopes,” we finally caved in to these (mostly) unkempt strangers’ demands. Here is our first installment for the month of March- Now let us walk down the street unmolested.
Capricorn- Your fall off the turnip truck cometh…
Leo- Your beef stroganoff will impress unannounced house guests.
Aquarius- Your good looks and charm will be your undoing.
Gemini- A chance for you to get ahead with anabolic steroids is coming your way. Don’t let it pass you by.
Pices- You should buy as much Citi Bank stock as you can get your hands on.
Libra- Your friends and family will suffer great expense and inconvenience at a debilitating illness you contract.
Virgo- You will be forced to watch a cute young animal die an excruciating death.
Taurus- You will accidentally use a disparaging slur to describe Native Americans while in the company of a good Native American friend.
Aries- Meghan McCain will eat all your ice cream.
Scorpio- You will find your true love in a bread line.