We’re proud to introduce our new feature, Puddle of Suck, which is the list of all things at least one half of Sweet Merciful Crap’s editorial board considers really, really lame right now. –PM
Burberry– Really, it’s time to let this pattern go. Where did it come from? Why did unisex plaid ever become popular anyway? It’s become impossible for me to take anyone wearing any amount of Burberry very seriously. “I know, I’ll get the same pretentious and overpriced scarf that everyone else in the world has right now. Why not?”
Bruce Springsteen– Look, his music sucks to my ears, but I would never question people who like him just because I don’t happen to. You can listen to whatever you want for all I care. I booed him loudly in a bar at the end of his Superbowl performance for no real reason other than that I felt like doing it. People looked at me like I had just spat on the Pope; the disgust that I would brazenly jeer at an American Icon was very visible on their faces. I even had someone try to physically silence me with a hand to prevent this blasphamy. Bruce Springsteen can get the hell out of my hot tub right now.
Those brown Louis Vuitton handbags- Unfortunately for all you ladies with these things, they don’t come in sizes large enough to hold all the insecurities you clearly have to be carrying around. Remember the old 1930s photos when everyone was wearing a black tophat. You guys are that for the new millenium.
Volvo Doors- It’s one thing to have a loose suspension or a rattling transmission now and then, it’s entirely another to have to scamper into your automobile from the rear passenger side like some kind of deranged hobo car thief each time you want to run to the liquor store because some geeky Swedish assembly line worker fucked up three different door hinges in the course of an afternoon.
Obama Worshipping- Now that the election is over it’s time to tone down the Obama fellatio a bit and see if this son of a bitch can actually fix anything. That Shepard Fairly print in the window of your studio apartment and the “We Did It” sticker on your Subaru are going to look pretty stupid in two years when he has dissolved the Congress and we are all scavangeing the bones of dead friends for scraps of meat after the world socio-economic order has completely collapsed. Hell, it’s already starting to look dumb with all these tax deadbeats he is trying to cram down our throat.
Patriots Fans- I have listened to their whining nonsense for way too long thi season. They have entire blogs and writers devoted to moaning and bitching about their horrible fortune. If you even try to bring up the subject of football in their presence, the fucking winghing like a silly gang of whores: “Jake Delhomme is just killing my fantasy team right now-” “I can’t believe what happened to Tom Brady. It was so unfair.” For a franchise that was so moribund as to be on the verge of leaving town with hardly a whisper of protest from a disaffected fan base nary a decade ago, they sure are pretty enthusiastic these days.
Exercise- Fuck Exercise.