Monthly Archives: February 2009

My Interview With Obama

I had a quick interview with President-elect Obama the other day.  It was a little rough in parts.  I think it’s because of the obama_interview_08191stress related to finding the right kind of Portugese Water Dog he promised his daughters, but perhaps not. Anyway, the transcript follows.  I’ve included audio for Barack, but since themic was pointed away from me and towards him, I am a bit garbled on the recording and am hence going to just type out my questions.

P. Mcgraw: Hey Mr. President, thanks for taking the time to talk with me today.  Let’s cut right to it then, if the so-called stress tests your administration imposes on the nation’s leading banks discovers massive systemic insolvency of our financial system and we are indeed staring down the barrel of nationalization of large swaths of America’s private banks, what, then, is your reaction?

Um… well, okay, I guess that might be the case for a lot of us. I’d have to admit that I am not as up-to-speed as I could be on the whole financial mess…

Well, that’s… I… just…. I… don’t know what to say about that Mr. President. I’m not sure that’s a fair criticism, this is my first interview with a major public figure. My next question was about Sarah Palin…

Right, yeah, well, I don’t disagree with that. Did you ever meet her during or after the election, and if so, what did you say?

Well, don’t you think Todd Palin might object to that kind of come on?

Again, no disagreement here… say, do you think you could share some of those fries with me? I haven’t eaten since-

Well, ok… um… say, my friends and I are having a little wine and cheese party later tonight… do you… ah… would you care to go? Maybe unwind a bit?

[end recording]

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New Camel Snus Ad!

 

FAQ #75

FAQ #75

 

 

Hey, our favorite cocktail napkins are back!  Hat’s off to the guys at RJ Reynolds marketing for this brilliant line of advertising.  We’re at FAQ #75 now, which means a lot of questions are being frequently asked about smokeless tobacco.  

FAQ #75: Can you Snus at a cocktail party?

A. Yes!  Since Snus is spitless, smokeless and comes in a pouch, you can Snus at the boss’s party. 

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Let’s bang out some more FAQs while we are here:

FAQ #64:Can you Snus at a Bris?

A: Yes!  Since Snus is spitless, smokeless and comes in a pouch, you can Snus at while a Rabbi cuts the foreskin off a infant Jewish penis. 

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FAQ #32: Can you Snus at your uncle’s funeral?

A: Yes!  Since Snus is spitless, smokeless and comes in a pouch, you can Snus while they commit your Uncle’s stiff carcass to the frozen, barren earth.

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FAQ#109:  Can you Snus while blasting across the alkali flats in a jet-powered, monkey navigated hovercraft?

A: Yes!  Since Snus is spitless, smokeless and comes in a pouch, you can Snus while behind the wheel.

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Fun with the Stimulus Bill

I am not smart enough to write a complex piece of legislation, such as the Stimulus Bill is for most of its 400-someodd pages.  But I am smart enough to appreciate the ease with which you can spend 1.6 billion US taxpayer dollars once elected to the US Congress.  Check out this clause on page 25, the section allocating funds for the Energy Department:

 

SCIENCE 

For an additional amount for ‘‘Science’’, $1,600,000,000. 


That’s not a selective quote.  That’s the entire clause.  That’s the entire amount of direction the Energy Department received for spending that 1.6 billion dollars: just spend it on “science.”  If my name were Chu and I were the Energy Secretary, I would immediately procure myself a nice big tract of land outside the city upon which to build a Greenhouse and Observatory.  For science.  

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That was so easy, let’s do it again:

NATIONAL AERONAUTICS AND SPACE ADMINISTRATION 

SCIENCE 

For an additional amount for ‘‘Science’’, $400,000,000. 

AERONAUTICS 

For an additional amount for ‘‘Aeronautics’’, $150,000,000. 

EXPLORATION 

For an additional amount for ‘‘Exploration’’, $400,000,000

 

“Aeronautics” sounds to me like it could mean a new spoiler for the NASA Chief’s Nissan and “Exploration” sounds like grounds for a trip to Cabo for senior management.  

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It’s important the Congress never pass up a valuable opportunity to educate itself and the readers of its bills.  Let’s take a look at some of the important conclusions that this time of profound economic hardship has fortuitously led them to:

SEC. 1002. PAYMENTS TO ELIGIBLE PERSONS WHO SERVED IN 

THE UNITED STATES ARMED FORCES IN THE FAR EAST DURING 

WORLD WAR II. (a) FINDINGS.—Congress makes the following 

findings: 

(1) The Philippine islands became a United States posses- 

sion in 1898 when they were ceded from Spain following the 

Spanish-American War.

So we’ve found that out, nice.  Anyway, if you’re a Filipino who fought the Japanese for us back when they were acting out, you’re eligible for up to 15,000 USDs… with which you are presumably expected to stimulate the US economy.  There’s 198,000,000 dollars allocated for this Filipino Fighter compensatory fund, so go out there and get the cash.  

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Let’s give the Natives some money, hey?

That of the funds provided under this  heading, $550,000,000 shall be for investments in transportation at Indian reservations…

I just like that they still call the Natives of this here land Indians in this bill and no one seems to care much.  And why would you when you’re being given a half billion dollars to build roads and/or monorails?

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Let’s get the Justice department in on the action, because lord knows, there is no bigger engine for economic growth in this country than the Department of Justice.

For an additional amount for ‘‘State and Local Law Enforce- 

ment Assistance’’, $225,000,000, for competitive grants to improve 

the functioning of the criminal justice system, to assist victims 

of crime (other than compensation), and youth mentoring grants. 

Hot lunch!  My GM stock is sure to rebound as soon as the functioning of the criminal justice system is improved with 225,000,000 million USDs in competitive grants.

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Get Your Sweet Merciful Crap PT Cruiser Hoodie

As we here at Sweet Merciful Crap staggered about under the weight of the news, we decided to deal with the news of the PT Cruiser’s demise the only way we could: by making sweatshirts. Now you can help us celebrate a moldy slice of American automotive history by purchasing one of these limited-edition commemorative PT Cruiser sweatshirts. They’re available at our online store and at select TJ Maxx stores nationwide. Don’t delay, act now. Supplies limited.

Sweet Merciful Crap's Limited-Edition Commemorative PT Cruiser T-shirt

Sweet Merciful Crap's Limited-Edition Commemorative PT Cruiser T-shirt

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They’re Killing the PT Cruiser!

In its shameless bid to indefinitely prolong its suckling at the fat, supple teat of the American taxpayer, the Chrysler corporation has announced it will discontinue its PT Cruiser model after this year. This, in a bid to return to profitability. Well it’s tempting to make a joke here… I guess they are to be commended for killing off that monstrosity, however belatedly. It can’t hurt their fortunes, and I will sleep easier each night knowing the money the government takes from me isn’t going towards procuring more body panels or headlight lenses in an effort to keep churning out that monstrosity. I don’t know why, but I felt to compelled to write a little poetry to mark the Cruiser’s demise. -P McGraw

Ode to the PT Cruiser

Times are tough and Chrysler a serious loser.
In hopes of more tax money they’re killing the PT Cruiser.

Times are dire, Chrysler headed into hock.
And so what stupid-looking car are we now supposed to mock?

The Big Three losing money, fighting to survive,
But what now are cat owners and frumpy moms going to drive?

Woodpanel trim and modern feminist styling,
Why was it ever made, oh so beguiling!

On the roadways yet for years, the Cruiser will roll on,
And how fitting that is for the cousin of Dodge Neon.

They ask for a bailout and say “how are we in this morass?”
I say “find the guy who designed the Cruiser, and fire his ass.”

Oh, but to find a light in our current national misery!
How about the erasure of a blot on automotive history?

 

PT Cruiser Sails into the Sunset

PT Cruiser Sails into the Sunset

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Bristol Palin: Abstinence is Not Realistic

How the hell does Greta Van Sustren keep getting interviews with the Palin family? We all remember her stammering plate of idiocy she tried to pass off as an interview with the First Dude, and now we have this after-school guidance councilor chat with the second-most famous pregnant teen in America.

I am going to put the transcript here, just because I think when you read what she is saying as she is saying it, it really raises hard questions about the wisdom of Republicans cutting school construction money out of the stimulus bill. That said, this is the most factually accurate excerpt I have ever heard from a Palin. Bristol, baby, tell us how you feel about abstinence:

“No. I don’t want to get into detail about that. But I think abstinence is, like — like, the — I don’t know how to put it — like, the main — everyone should be abstinent or whatever, but it’s not realistic at all.”

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