Dear Gov. Blagojevich,
My name is McGraw, and I am here to offer you my consulting services on how to escape this laughably idiotic predicament you’ve fashioned for yourself. If you had hired me some months before you might not be in this mess, as my bedrock advice to all clients is “don’t admit to felonies over a phone you suspect is tapped when the FBI is investigating you for multiple federal crimes, you fucking meatstick.” But that is neither here nor there, and besides, judging from your haircut I suspect that you are a man accustomed to shrugging off good advice. We need to get you out of this mess now, so you can clear the air and begin working on your 2012 Presidential run.
First: Schedule a press conference. Announce you are close to appointing a replacement for Barack’s senate seat. Hint strongly that you have consulted with the president-elect’s team about this appointment in recent days, and give every indication that you intend to serve out the remainder of your term to “carry on the people of Illinois’ business.” This will incite a very public and terrifying chaos among your legislature, the president-elect, the media, the Democrat Party, and the populace in general that some hubris-riddled indicted fuckface such as yourself is about to make a lot of very long-lasting, severe, and pronounced problems for a lot of people. This is good from your vantage point. Suddenly, everyone, including old US Prosecutor Pat Fitzgerald, and the President-elect has a very keen interest in seeing you gone as quickly as possible. And legally, it is still your prerogative.
Next, tell your lawyer to get on the phone with Pat as soon as you step away from that podium. The conversation should go something like “Hey Pat, just wanted to make sure you had CNN on just then. I’ve talked to Rod and he says he’s ready to make this appointment any hour now, maybe before the boys over in Springfield have a chance to get back in session to pass any new emergency legislation or anything. Anyways, Rod just wanted to test the waters with you on a plea deal. My sense is that he would take three years probation and step down immediately without another legislative act if you extended those terms to him this afternoon, but who knows? If he doesn’t hear from you there’s no telling what he might do. Anyway, just checking in. You have my number.”
And that’s really it Rod. It’s a Hail Mary play, but you’re a pretty big fucking idiot; and it is going to take a swim through the sewer to get out of the hole you’ve dug yourself. I think you should get in touch with me immediately through the consulting wing of our organization, at firstname.lastname@example.org My fee is $25,000, and 3% residuals on your up-coming book deal, and that’s looking like a bargain when the alternative is your pretty blond wife going to bed each night knowing her husband is group showering with guys named Douglas and Bruce who are up for 25 on Grand Theft Auto. I am the only one looking out for you, Rod. I am on your side.