Monthly Archives: November 2008

May God Have Mercy on us All

Dear 10% of Americans Who Think the President-Elect is a Muslim

How ya’ doin?  I hope you all had a wonderful pork-free Thanksgiving.  A lot of water has gone under the bridge since I last wrote you.  Back then, we still had a Jesus-fearing Christian man as Commander-in-Chief, and we could be sure he was leading his wife and lovely daughters in Grace around the White House Turkey Table as his black scottie dogs paced patiently around the family looking for scraps.  No doubt he led his family in reverent Jesus prayer this Thanksgiving as well, but this time the future did not look bright, and the gravy might’ve been poisoned.

Yes, a Muslim man is coming to office, and for all we know he might take the Oath of Office wearing a dashiki.  Like Yasser Fucking Arafat!  He actively worships Muhammad;  And as George sat down with his well-heeled wife, twin daughters, and that son-in-law with the fabulous haircut for Turkey (and O’Doul’s!) he must have known what misfortune this portuned for the U.S.A.  George is a man who knows something about the presidency.  He knows it is important to run a tight schedule, to make sure things are running on time, and to deal with those late to meeting is a harsh fashion.  George knows it will hardly do to have Barack Hussein in the White House, you can’t duck out of national security meetings to face Mecca, bow down and pray for 15 minutes a day!  Hell, did Kennedy do that during the Cuban Missile Crisis?  

Fuck no, Kennedy appealed to God, The American God.  He served pork at state dinners, and he never worse sandals or grew a beard when the crisis of his days confronted him.  He married a woman without a postgraduate degree. Sure, a vicious muslim like Barack might try and hide the fact that he doesn’t support the education of women by marrying one who holds a degree from Princeton and a JD from Harvard, and sending his children to a place like Sidwell Friends, but you and I are on to him, my friends.  We must watch him carefully.

Being as informed as you are, I’m sure you’re all keenly aware of what happens when he invites Al-Qaeda to the White House for trilateral disarmament negotiations with the Saudis.  We’re all fucked, that’s what.  Mullah Omar will be sleeping in a Lincoln Bedroom provisioned with pure, brown-haired virgin 14-year-olds girls, plucked from the streets of DC by the Secret Service (which undoubtedly be renamed the Committee for Virtue and the Prevention of Vice).  From his perch in the White House he will screw young American children and coordinate the firebombing of neighborhood barbershops with the convenience provided by the White House’s first-rate secure communications circuits.

These next four years are going to be painful, my friends, and the pain is already being inflicted.  As we feared during the campaign, Barack is already appointing radical nutjobs to Treasury Department and the Office of Management and Budget.  Have you seen these guys, paraded out in front of the press corps? Clearly it is a bunch bent on plundering the national treasury for the purchase of suicide vests.  They are people who look forward to forcing American school children like yours and mine to bow down to Allah, stripping us of our guns, and putting Al-Zaqarwi’s face on our 20$ bills.  It’s horrifying.

Buckle down my friends, we’re in for a rough ride.  There’s a Muslim coming to the White House.  Hell, he could crash the West’s entire financial system the moment he takes office!

Yours in shared terror, 

Dr. Pepe McGraw.

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Fred Flintstone Says: “Winstons are Smooth”

Discussion: I had no idea the Flintstones were such smooth characters.  There is not enough cancer promotion being done by cartoons these days, you don’t see any Power Rangers extolling the smoothness of Winston cigarettes. Betty Rubble is one fine piece of ass.

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CurryPussy!

The following Google-Chat transcript comes to us from a correspondent in Sweet Merciful Crap’s Shanghai Bureau, who was evidently very bored the other night.  Fellas, this is exactly what you are supposed to do if a girl starts making with the fantasy sex talk via computer chat.  This is the manual. Ed.

7:03 PM Isabelle: miss you!

me: YOUR FIRED!!!
FIRED!!
I miss you too
Isabelle: why?
7:04 PM me: dont you want to know what you were fired from first?
7:05 PM Isabelle: yea
that s why i asked why
i dont even know what i was hired for
me: you were working as a short-order fireman
in Tokyo
but you had a second identity
Isabelle: firewoman you mean?
7:06 PM me: where you were a short-order fireman
but in Alaska
Isabelle: i dont think you ever wanted to have sex with a fireMAN
ok, why ami fired then?
me: fireman is neutral sex i thought
7:07 PM can be either
Isabelle: you are sick
me: huh?
Isabelle: i am so much better than a fireman
me: a fireman can be a man or woman
i think
Isabelle: but i ll be your firewoman to put out the fire in you
7:08 PM so what are you doingnow?
me: watching TED talks
Isabelle: what s tes?
ted?
7:09 PM me: http://www.ted.com
its just these talks about technology etc
Isabelle: that sounds boring
what s your fantasy?
me: to talk at TED
7:10 PM in a fireman outfit
Isabelle: FINE
and ?
would you wanna save me in a fire?
me: ooo…. that seems dangerous
7:11 PM can’t i rescue you from a boring thursday night?
Isabelle: very, but it ll be worth doing?
!
i never have a boring thurs
only saturdays
when you are not here
7:12 PM me: 🙂
got any good reciepes?
7:13 PM Isabelle: not really
why?
me: cause i cook
but i need reciepes
Isabelle: you can go on internet and find tons
can i be your waitress if you were a cook?
7:15 PM me: of course
Isabelle: how do you want me to help you cook?200708212323
me: naked
7:16 PM Isabelle: how about just the apron?
a bit transparent one
7:17 PM me: ok
i’ve never seen such a thing
7:18 PM but i can imagine
Isabelle: i have, u can see my nipples and pussy , but not quite clear
7:19 PM they are hard cause it s a little cold in the kitchen
me: i prefer a steamy kitchen
Isabelle: you have to cover them with your hands to keep them hot
steamy is good too
7:21 PM me: we are cooking…. SEX!
7:22 PM Isabelle: yeah, and you just drop some bread on the floor and am bendingover to pick it up
7:24 PM me: who is bending over?
7:25 PM Isabelle: me
me: ooo. bend over slowly
7:26 PM Isabelle: yeah. very slow and you have your pot boiling right next to you
me: what pot?
oo… what’s in the pot?
a mystery?
Isabelle: hot chilly
7:27 PM curry
me: does curry turn you on?
Isabelle: spicy ones
me: weird
Isabelle: and the sound of boiling it
7:28 PM why?
me: i don’t think you boil curry
pretty sure you don’t
Isabelle: oh, well, just trying to make the atmasphere
me: ok. the curry is boiling. it’s very spicy
7:29 PM i guess spices are kinda sensual
Isabelle: it s so steamy
me: its so steamy i can’t see
i slip on the floor and knock myself unconcious
Isabelle: and i dont know what to do to help you rightly and i keep screw things up
7:30 PM and now u are unconcious
i have to go down on u to give you mouth to mouth
7:31 PM me: you spill the curry everywhere, and the fire alarm starts going off
the oven is on fire
and you are still naked
Isabelle: i have to take pff my apron toput out the fire
7:32 PM now ihave nothing to cover me
me: but it’s plastic and it just melts
AHHH!!!!
WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!
Isabelle: you are destroying things
me: YOU SPILLED THE CURRY!!
that’s not my fault
Isabelle: now i have to climb on the counter to clean up the curry
7:33 PM me: why are you cleaning up the curry?
the kitchen is on fucking fire!
Isabelle: the fire was supposed to be out alreayd
i am just cleaning up
7:34 PM with my knees on the counter
me: why? we are not paid to clean up
Isabelle: u came from behind and saying it s all my fault and i should be punished
7:35 PM me: i take a wooden spoon…
and take a spoonful of curry
and put it in your pussy
hahahah
currypussy!Isabelle: you suck
dr_person_assessing_kitchen_fire_damage

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Early Exit Polls 2008, Obama Landslide

A little bird whispered these into our ear a short while ago:

PA: Obama +12

NC: Obama +6

IN: Obama +2

OH: Obama +8

NH: Obama +10

FL: Obama +4

 

We here in Sweet Merciful Crap’s war room predict Obama 341-197

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The Obama Endorsement

It’s a formality for me personally at this point to say it, but I endorse Barack Obama to be the next president of the United States.  It’s a formality because the man has had my vote coming for him since March 10, 2006 when I saw him give a speech in the Ira Allen Chapel at the University of Vermont.  I have a hearty distrust of all politicians, I am not a party guy one way or the other, and I am as cynical a man as you will find, but I came out of that place believing in Barack Obama as a person.  I don’t know if he’ll be a good

Liberal Elitist, My Ass!

Liberal Elitist, My Ass

president or not, that’s impossible to know; but I know I will never again have a chance to vote for anyone like him in my lifetime, and that is good enough for me.  Nonetheless, I offer the following reasons as well:

The Republican Party needs to be blown up and rebuilt for its own good, for the good of two-party democracy, and for the restoration of legitimate conservative ideas.   God-driven neoconservatism is an ugly, brutal, and stupid side of America, that has done nothing but deliver us a litany of national humiliations and shamings.  It is a great misfortune that this malignancy has taken over and continues to occupy the spine of the Republican Party.  It has coughed up impossibly incompetent fools like Tom Delay, Jack Abrhamoff, and George Bush.  Neoconservative thinking ran up a national debt of 10 trillion, led us into an unnecessary and unending war in Iraq, sat by and watched a major American city drown, gave massive tax cuts to the wealthiest people on earth, systematically dismantled as many environmental and consumer safety protections as possible, gave billions in American taxpayer subsidies to drug and oil companies, illegally spied on Americas, and established secret prisons to torture people all over the world.  When called upon to account for these failings, neoconservatives respond by slandering opponents as un-American and ask for reelection on the grounds that they are the most god-fearing candidates, and never mind their incompetence or low intellectual capacity.  It is a thinking that embraces ugly, petty, mean and vicious fools like Michelle Bachman, Roy Blunt, Rick Santorum, and Saxby Chambliss.  It is past time to purge these idiotic swine from the halls of power. Reform of the GOP starts at the top, and it starts with a 2008 electoral flogging so bad that the forces of the Republican party are forced to confront the discomforting, yet necessary, idea that they(and we)  were led horribly askew by the crooks, bunglers, and liars they ceded the helm to 2000 and 2002.

John McCain and his advisers evidently disagree with the above line of thinking.  The McCain I might’ve voted for in 2000 and 2004 apparently decided early in his presidential run that it would be shrewd to both a) abandon most of his admirable policy based principles and b) embrace President Bush’s brand of neoconservatism for his campaign run.  This candidate McCain ’08 is not who he really is, and this is why he will lose.  I hope there is a moment when he sits down and realizes what he has done, and what shame he has brought to his well-earned reputation with the campaign he has conducted.  For a man who has served his country honorably his entire life to completely cast aside his decency for eight weeks and run around the country whipping up a frenzy of hate, and fear, and bigotry can be described as nothing less than an embarrassing disgrace.  One day, I believe the real John McCain will have a moment, at least in his own head, where he realizes the despicableness of the campaign he has run. There is certainly still time to repair the damage to his honor in the eyes of history, and I suspect and hope he will do so.  

The selection of Sarah Palin for vice president was an automatic disqualifier for the GOP ticket; it was his first major presidential level decision, and he failed it.   She is a venomous muppet, unleashed on America solely for the purpose of riling the fools and rubes to the polls.  Her selection would be amusing were it not so terrifying immediate.  The world’s capitalist economy is collapsing, we are engaged in two wars, millions of Americans can’t get basic medical care, we are running out of oil, and John McCain nominates someone who thinks humans and dinosaurs walked the earth at the same time and two years ago was mayor of a town without its own fire department.  No sale.  She should be (dis)regarded as the national embarrassment she is.

But again, I would vote for Obama regardless of whom he was running against.  What a credit to this nation it would be if we elected someone who had lived the American dream, a black man who was born in Hawaii, raised in Kansas, who went to do community service work after graduating college and worked himself into the upper echelons of society through hard work, natural skill, intelligence, and ambition. That is A-fucking-merica, God Damn it: I want an America where crazy success stories like that are possible!  The fucker is as smart as they come.  And besides, I say stir the pot:  He has the potential to be a transformational president, someone who permanently changes the paradigm of American government, to move us beyond the bitter Vietnam-era divisions of the Baby Boomers.

The bastards work for me, they are asking for my vote, and they serve at my pleasure and the pleasure of us all.  The last several months have been one long job interview, and it is hard to think of anyone out there, let alone John McCain, who could have made a better argument for me hiring him or her than Barack Obama.  He has been cool, calm, calculating throughout the most grueling task on earth, a run for the American presidency on a major ticket.  He is young, energetic, intelligent and dynamic.  He has not once become flustered or upset.  He has the temperament and wisdom to lead.

No one could be a more thorough repudiation of the last eight years of George Bush than this Barry guy, and that is a good thing, he has come along at the perfect time.  We need to expunge the historical stain left by those treacherous Government-by-Crooked-Dumb-Jesus-Nuts as thoroughly as possible.  He is a repudiation of everything Bush and Delay and Santorum and Cheney and Rumsfeld stand for.  Again, I don’t know whether he’ll be a good president, but he is firmly standing up to the insane Jesus-fueled ineptitude that has governed us for the last eight years and that is enough for me.

But in the end, it all comes back to the idea that there will be many, many more chances to vote for a treacherous rich white hack like John McCain (lord knows, we’ve had plenty of them), but none to vote for a man as unique, talented, thoughtful and original as Barack Obama.  He is a man of the moment, arrived- perhaps- at precisely the right time.  That there is a chance to vote for such a person defies all odds.  It really is once-in-a-lifetime, and I’ll take that chance any day.  11/3/08 ZHAllen

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Boobs, Booze and Brotherly Love; or World Fucking Champs!

"A Family Atmosphere"Last Friday wasn’t too different from many other Fridays in Philadelphia—except for the fact that the 100,000+ truants were absent from school with the blessings of their parents, the mayor of Philadelphia and the city’s Police force. When stopped by an officer mere seconds before pouring a tasty Miller Lite into a plastic cup, I was told to be careful “this is a family event, there are kids here—we want a kid-friendly environment” explained officer Ramierez, before turning his head so I could pour the beer. It was 11:30 on Friday morning, didn’t the kids have school?

So ‘kid friendly’ an event has never been seen and probably never again will occur. I questioned officer Ramierez and anyone else who thought an event like that could, in fact, be kid-friendly. Once anybody was close enough to see the crowds and parade route, it rained—beer and champagne everywhere. A fat man was pouring vodka out his window to the masses below who fought to get under the stream.

Sometime after Pat Burrell rode down Broad Street on a Clydesdale-drawn Budweiser wagon, thing only became less family oriented. Crowds broke down barricades and flooded the route, delaying the the procession for a couple of hours, leaving South Philly’s finest to keep the masses entertained. And soon after the aforementioned fat man ran out of vodka, things good interesting. Two young ladies a couple of windows over from him proceeded to give the kids an anatomy lesson, followed by a very liberal lesson in family structure. I’m not sure if Pennsylvania allows gay marriage or not, but they sure appreciate a good lesbian window show—Right officer Ramierez, a family atmosphere.

CLICK HERE for your World Phucking Champs Hat!

GET YOUR World Phucking Champs Hat!

And as if that weren’t family oriented enough, or public enough, or classy enough, shortly after four Chase Utley made sure evenn the suckers and nerds who had gone to school could enjoy the shit-show on television. In a Bono-esque spur of creativity (at least the broadcasters would like the FCC to believe when it comes time for fines), Mr. Utley took the podium and announced that the Phillies were, in fact, “World Fucking Champs!”

And now you have your very own chance to own a piece of the class of the crass with these commemorative “World Phucking Champs” hats, shirts, buttons and stickers. Click the logo or the hat to see our shop!

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