This is a continuation of the “scamming scammers” series exchange with a man claiming to be former Congolese president Nzanga Mobutu.
Subject: Re: Details, Reply Fast!!!!!
Your correspondence, the last, disrespects and disappoints me. You not only failed to recognize my title and distinction as Knight Grand Cross of the Most Distinguished Order of Saint Michael and Saint George, but you failed to address my requests and security concerns. Therefore I must question your honor and will once more give you the opportunity to afford me the respect and courtesy a man of my station and title has earned.
As i outlined in my last correspondence, i require your assistance in a small matter of honor with a French Chap, Todd Palin, I know— at issue was whether Burkina Faso is in fact independent or merely a French territory (or lovechild as we call them here). You were to provide me with an address I could send you a return postage paid mailer, and in which you would provide 2000XOF, that i could then use to win my $6000 wager with the Frenchman. As I stipulated earlier, your assistance is worth half of my winnings. Surely a man of your position can afford 2000XOF which, correct me if im wrong, is only about $4 (USD). This matter is of utmost importance to me, please do not delay.
Now on to securing the funds you describe in your first letter; I am ready to meet The Diplomat in Europe, but I am no geographer, and clearly neither are you. Europe is a big fucking place, man, so you cannot expect me to agree to go to Europe with out knowing where. “Europe” could mean im headed to some god-awful place like Belgium, or worse yet Portugal—no sum of money is great enough to get me to portugal. For this reason I suggest the French country side; perhaps The Diplomat would join me at the Chûteau belonging to The Chap with whom i have the wager.
Anyhow, your requests are unclear as they do not specify what exactly you need to learn. Did you even read my last correspondence? Not only did it give you my name, but had you done as I requested, I should have sent you a package. Furthermore had you then returned my self-addressed envelope with the 2000XOF from Burkina Faso, I would have the $3000 to wire to you (which would have my banking information that you requested). I question your intelligence and think you may work for law enforcement or as some kind of spook. Is this true? I hope not, and will answer your questions as best I can. To wit:
1. full name… you know this already knuckle-head!
2. I have no telephone or fax machine, but I plan on coming to Burkina Baso in the next week on my Gulf Stream IV and will stay with a Princess at her compound. I have a cell phone that works there and you should call me when i get arrive next Sunday. My number is +266 63 90 36, do not call until Sunday as it will not work while I am at the Summer Estate.
3. My Home Address: I have more homes than i can keep track of, and currently can be reached at Beschissene Braune Bergen an der Gelbenflüsse in Fickdich, Germany, but like i say ill be in Burkina Faso on Sunday and then to France that Tuesday. For a company address, I am insulted you imply that i work for a living. I have never worked a day in my life and your insinuation that I do or have will not stand.
4. My account to which you can transfer the funds is at the People’s Bank of Panama, but I must wait until next Tuesday before I can be sure of the account and routing number, as my financial advisor, banker and dueling second will also be joining me in France.
Please respond quickly with your contact information for when I get to Burkina Faso, as I would like to meet you and perhaps we can break bread. I await your response and again must say what a wise and intelligent choice you made to contact me.
I hope The Diplomat in Europe is as worldly and wise as you seem to be.
In Zeus’ Honor,
The Right Honorable Caleb R. Oberst, Esq., CMG
P.S. I am confused by some things and suspect that it is because your capacity for the english language is slightly less than that of a trained chimpanzee. Lastly your reasons for only communicating via email are absurd. If you think nobody but you and me read these messages and they are more secure than my wax sealed correspondence, I will pay you $5000 and eat my hat. Otherwise follow my instructions, and I look forward to seeing your godforesaken country! (Rt. Hon. C.R.O., Esq., CMG)