To the New Coffee Place

Dear New Coffee Place By My House,

Why the fuck are you using the coffee lids that you are?  It is not often that a piece of plastic can drive me into a blind, seething rage before 9 am, but hey, you cleared that bar.  Kudos.  

Your coffee cup lids are made by the dopaco [sic] company, and it is time for you to cast off these pretentious bastards. How can a coffee lid maker be pretentious? A good start might be billing themselves as a “progressive foodservice packaging” company.  What? Progressive how? Like it somehow forwards the world of foodservice packaging to ensure that I am dousing myself in hot coffee with every sip before throwing the cap off in a fit of rage and dousing the center consol of my car with hot coffee because there is no fucking lid on the cup?  How dopaco found enough waterheaded design school fucknuts willing to sit around in meetings in order to come up with something as sincerely stupid as a “progressive” redesign of the coffee lid is almost as puzzling to me as why you saw the need to stock your new little coffee shop with these overdeveloped lids.  Who talked you into this? Do you think it makes your store seem more modern or more chic and hip to not use the coffee lids that the rest of the world uses?  

I thought maybe there was some trick to drinking coffee out of these damn dopaco lids, like I wasn’t up to the task of figuring out how to raise a lidded cup of coffee to my lips…but how fucking stupid is that, right?  We’re on the primate end of the motor skills spectrum here, and hell, I’ve done it before.

Eventually, I realized that your Baristas had put the lid on incorrectly, and yes, there is a correct way to put a dopaco coffee lid on: you have to line up a little arrow on the lid with the seam of the coffee cup, per the instructions on the top of the cap.  Was this included in the training regimen you put your Baristas through? Did any of them read the chapter on this in the Barista textbook?  Were they tested on it?  Do you think maybe if a coffee lid is so demanding of your employees as to necessitate being put on at a certain degree it might be time to order different lids… or at least find employees who are up to the rigorous geometric demands of aligning an arrow and the seam of a coffee cup?  





Professor Pepe McGraw


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