Dear Chairman Costas,
How are the Olympics going? It seems like you are having a nice time in your faux living room. I have been enjoying your nightly coverage, my only regret is that I have been forced to watch it on my little 17” TV on an antenna signal, instead of the fine 1080 digital HD technology displays that are advertised during your broadcasts. But hey, my set was made in China, so I did my part in financing that swimming cube.
That actually leads in nicely to my first question: can you see those ads for the TVs during your breaks? Like, can you see GE trying to convince me that their jet engine is part of “the green revolution?” Or the one that depicts a large black man getting blown in a hotel tub by two dudes for some reason? Were you as confused as I was when the large black man mumbles something inaudible, followed by the two dudes blowing harder to the point where one coughs?
Does it annoy you that your Olympic primetime coverage for the past five days has gone: Random Taped Sport Like Synchronized Diving for 20 Minutes/ Misty-May Trainor/Kerri Walsh Fawning Fest/ Michael Phelps Fellatio Hour/ Mary Carillo segment on Pandas or Weird Chinese Food/ Second Michael Phelps fellatio hour/ Gymnastics? I mean, you must get a little bored with the fucking repetition, right?
As one of the most respected sportscasters of your generation you must surely cringe listening to Karch Kiray and whatever foolish hack NBC coughed up call those volleyball games, right? I mean, you must appreciate the degree of inanity that occupies someone’s brain to tell a massive television audience night after night how the US Women’s Beach Volleyball Team is planning to start a family after these games in lieu of calling the action or providing the least little bit of informative commentary on the match itself, right? Like, I can now tell you solely from info gleaned in your broadcasts that Misty-May’s mom died before the last Olympics, Kerri Walsh lost her wedding ring in the sand, they started playing together in Huntington Beach, they want to start families, Misty May visited the Great Wall and danced the other day. But I couldn’t tell you how one can score in beach volleyball without having the serve. Do you think that might be useful fucking information?
As a venerated American icon, does it irk you that your commentators, in conjunction with your producers consistently give away results before we’ve seen the end of the competition? Like, if NBC tells me via graphic that Michael Phelps Fellatio Hour One is coming up in eight minutes and we’re only in the second set of the Misty-May/Walsh Fawning Fest portion of the broadcast, I can safely surmise that whomever won the first set won the second set as well, right? When your swimming guys say midway through a taped broadcast of a race that the American is going to walk home with gold, I can pretty much assume that there is no miraculous comeback or fucking surprise forthcoming on the grounds you would’ve edited it out after the fact, right?
On another note, kudos on letting Bela Karola state flat out that the Chinese were cheating by employing underage gymnasts after the US had lost. That was funny. Also, did you see this video of American gymnast Alicia Sacramone punching some guy in the face?
Also, are you aware that your company’s on-air personalities have systematically mispronounced Beijing throughout the entire games? Even the pre-taped bumpers you use to segue out to commercials mispronounce it.
One last question, Bob: would you be willing to sign the enclosed picture of you and Chairman Mao, as a sort of endorsement/validation for the governmental policies of your host? Could you maybe ask NBC’s Chinese Cultural Ambassador Promoter Mary Carillo to sign as well?
Dr. Pepe McGraw