Monthly Archives: August 2008

Sarah Palin Naked Photos

HA!  Face it.  You’re here because you typed “Sarah Palin naked”or “Sarah Palin nude” or “Sarah Palin Sex Tape” into Google and this is where it brought you.  There are no pictures of Sarah Palin naked here, this post is just designed to make you think “wait, did I really just search for naked pictures of Sarah Palin?  Is this what it has come to for me?”  HA!

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From: Nzanga Mobutu (mbumobutufamily1@myway.com)

-this is in reply to the letter I sent Mr. Mobutu accepting his request for assistance and promise of $37MM (see post from 27 August)

From:   Nzanga Mobutu (mbumobutufamily1@myway.com)

Subject: Details, Reply Fast!!!!!

Date: 24 August 2004 09:18:30 EDT

To:   coberst@PriXXXXon.EDU

Reply-To:   mbumobutufamily1@myway.com

 

My Dear Friend Hon Caleb Esq,

Thanks for your email and understanding on this Mutual Transaction as partner. I want to let you know that i have received your email in detailed content were noted. Be inform that i have Trusted you on this transaction and ready to conclude this transaction with you as partner.

On this regard, It will interest you to know that The Fund in question is in The Security Company in Europe where you will be require to travel for the claim. On this note, I will appreciate you confirm your readiness to Visit The Security Company in Europe so that i will send to you The Contact Information of The Security Company and The Diplomat who will lead you to The Security Company for the successful Claim of this Fund.

Secondly, You advice to endeavour and send the Follows information to enable me send to The Security Company accordingly that you are My Representative and Partner that will make the claim on My Behalf this will enable you open up communication with them The Diplomat and have a date with him on when you will Visit The Security Company for the claim.

You are to send to as follows:

1, Your Full Name.

2, Your Telephone and Fax Number.

3, Your Home and Company address.

4, Your account Information where you wish That The Fund will be transfer as soon as you make the claim. 

Note that as soon as i receive this requested information from you, I will send you the The Contact information of The Security Company and That of The Diplomat as well as The Require Documents that will enable you make the claim Successfully so that you will contact them immediately and have a date with them on when you will be travelling to Meet with them for the claim.

Finally, You are advice most sincerely to keep this transaction Strictly Confidential and i will appreciate deal with this transaction Strictly on Email for Security Reason.

Hence Forth, You are advice to send the requested information to my private E-mail: nzangamobutu1@yahoo.com 

I look forward to hearing from you to enable us proceed fast to conclude.

My Sincere Regards to you and your Family!

 

Reply Fast,

Nzanga Mobutu.

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Dear MLB.tv

 

Dear MLB.tv-

What mid-level college marketing major fuckwad did you put in charge of your advertising program? You’re really putting Interstitial ads before my MLB.tv “premium” stream starts?  Really?  You think people will tolerate this?  I might miss Griffey’s 600th during the time you are forcing me to watch Grandpa getting home in time but for the grace of his trusty Radioshack batteries.  Is that fair, especially when I am paying for a “premium” service?  I say, “no, fuck that old man and his Duracels, turn the damn ball game on when I request it.” 

You have already once severely tested my patience by blasting that lame Pepsi rap every inning break, the volume of which I can only assume was a deliberate attempt to ensure that I am busted while watching baseball games surreptitiously at my job as a county corrections officer.  End this advertising madness and live up to the billing of “premium,” or I intend to cancel my service.

 

 

Most Sincerely,

Adm. Pepe McGraw, ret.

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Designated Drivers Love Snus

God I love this country and its cocktail napkins.  There is still room between all the government-mandated anti-smoking ads and do-gooding twats running about for a god-fearing company like RJ Reynolds to effort getting the Designated Driver- that paragon of virtue- hooked on smokeless tobacco. 

I would’ve loved to have been on hand for that marketing meeting: 

We’ve got $40,000 left in the budget, where do we want to kick that?”

“How about napkins?”

“Napkins?”

“Yeah, napkins.”

“What the fuck are they going to say, nobody looks at cocktail napkins.”

“Let’s put some text in there about how designated drivers should use Snus.”

“What? You’re fucking crazy!”

“Why the hell not, who’s going to stop us?  Besides, DDs are sitting around the bar like lame weenies all night anyway, we could try and convince them they need a little edge, a little cache. Snus is perfect.”

Again, I love this country.  Also, all you designated drivers out there should know I completely agree with the RJ Reynolds Company’s line of thinking: I highly encourage all of you to try Snus for the first time right before you get behind the wheel at 2 am to drive your drunken friends home.  It’ll really steady your nerves, and sharpen your vision; especially all you non-tobacco users out there.  Try the “frost” flavor!

What the hell were other 354 FAQs that occurred more frequently than this one?

FAQ #3 “Q: Can you Snus when teaching a fifth grade social studies class? A: Yes!  Since Snus is spilless, smokeless, and comes in a pouch, that’s no problem.”

FAQ #64: “Q: Can you Snus when flying a passenger airplane? A: Yes!  Since Snus is spilless, smokeless, and comes in a pouch, that’s no problem.”

FAQ #122: “Q: Can you Snus during an Easter Egg hunt? A: Yes!  Since Snus is spilless, smokeless, and comes in a pouch, that’s no problem.”

FAQ #240 “Q: Can you Snus while getting intimate with your wife? A: Yes!  Since Snus is spilless, smokeless, and comes in a pouch, that’s no problem.”

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RE: THIRTY SEVEN MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($37million)

From:   coberst@priXXXton.edu

Subject: RE: THIRTY SEVEN MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($37million)

Date: 24 August 2004 01:32:51 EDT

To:   mbumobutufamily1@myway.com

 

Dear Mister Mobutu,

Warm Greetings! Clearly your instincts are good—I can tell this because something drew you to me. However, I warn you, take care in communicating with me, especially electronically. You risk that someone may intercept one of our correspondences and jeopardize our safety and collective fortunes. please look at and follow closely the plan outlined below. It is designed to ensure our privacy, security and financial interests above all!

Firstly, please provide me with your address. This is important if we are to communicate without the prying eyes of the email providers. Your request to be contacted by phone or email is foolhardy—these channels are insecure at best. If you, like me, were a man of title and privilege your ring would have a family crest to mark the wax seal of any letter sent and alert the recipient if it had been opened or not.

Then a package containing a postage-paid mailer addressed to me, will arrive at your hut. In that mailer you will  enclose 2000XOF—this is not only a token of good faith on your part; it will finally settle a longstanding, yet sporting, dispute between another chap, the Count, and me. The Count holds court in France and insists your “country” has no sovereignty and is, in fact, not only part of France, but part of the very colony The Count himself enlightens by ruling so nobly! I have wagered 6000USD that Burkina Faso is not part of France, much less His Realm. You must enclose 2000XOF in bank notes, which will prove Burkina Faso’s sovereignty, as your Francs are not the ones The Count prints in France. For your efforts and assistance, you are entitled to half the winnings on my wager. You stand to make 2995USD (I have accounted for the value of the 2000XOF you will send me).

I will send you cash or arrange an account for your share of the winnings, and then use my half of the winnings (the other $3000) to pay The Accountant and The Treasurer to facilitate the asset transfer (he is honorable and trustworthy, you have my sacred vow). I am pleased to work with you, as you seem a gentleman of character. Let us not delay for the sooner you respond, the sooner we shall have our just desert.

You were wise to contact me as i have multiple accounts in Grand Cayman, Panama, Switzerland and a small farm on the isle of Jersey. This will help us keep the financial transactions from attracting too much attention. At this time I trust you will contact any other potential partners for this deal and inform them their services are not needed. Thank you again for your generous offer. I await your reply. May Zeus bless a pox upon you.

 

Yours &c.,

Rt. Hon. Caleb R. Oberst Esq., CMG

p.s. I hope you understand that in the process of transferring the funds you describe, a small percentage (less than 2%) will most likely be lost due to currency exchanges and the volatility of the currency market. this is unfortunately necessary. (Rt. Hon. C.R.O., Esq. CMG)

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To the Waitress at IPPUDO

Forgive me for not catching your name, and I apologize for the misunderstanding. Apparently the menu has a typo, you’re not familiar with Japanese traditions, or you should strongly consider renaming that particular dish. Either way I really feel badly for getting egg on both our faces, but look forward to dining there again. 

-mitch c.
p.s. i’ve heard peanut butter helps get stuff out of your hair.

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Blood and Fire: The Salvation Army

Right here is the motto of the Salvation Army as it appears on their website.  It’s rather bland and uninspiring.  They probably hired a marketing team ad hoc for this logo, using the proceeds from old couch sales:

Below is the logo that appears outside the branch of the downtown LA chapter of the Salvation Army; it is clear they are not buying the Bland Corporate Do-Good Bullshit being churned out from headquarters:

Blood and Fire!  And Pain!  The Salvation Army: Bring it.

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