SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP

Long Live the Vuvuzela

pmcgraw — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 02:55:48 +0000

You know what? Stop bitching about the Vuvuzelas. Sweet Merciful Crap is the only site on the internet that supports the Vuvuzela, and do you know why that is? Because every other person on the planet is bitching and moaning about them. It has become eminently fashionable, this summer’s popular way for people to make that friendly, non-threatening stranger blather on a bus or chitchat with a co-worker. “Man, I am enjoying the World Cup, but have you heard those horns? They sound like a swarm of BEES! SOOOOO annoying!” It’s a sure way to find common ground with someone to bring this up, but you have to be a colossal pussy to voice your displeasure with the Vuvuzela; when you find yourself doing so, do realize it means you have nothing better to say.

Everybody else in the world has made the insight that the horns are annoying, why not pile on? That’s just what everybody needs: one more person talking about how they don’t like the horns at the World Cup. RIck Reilly can’t properly convey how much our collective fucking sensibilities are offended by the background noise at a soccer match everybody only watches once every four years. Only whiny French midfielders are expected to bitch about their being too much noise at the world’s biggest sporting event.

Well, you know what? We here at SMC do like the horns. The Vuvuzelas make it sound like something exciting is constantly happening. Who the fuck are you to question another culture’s way of expressing excitement anyway? That’s the kind of attitude that led to colonialism, you low-rent bigot asshole. And besides, you’re telling me if you travelled halfway around the world, were walking into a World Cup match and somebody handed you a giant fucking horn to blow all game long you wouldn’t blow on that horn for 90 minutes? YOU LIE!

All of you shut up. Long live the Vuvuzela.

Free Hockey!

a. plebeian — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 17:05:38 +0000

“And a cursory glance was thrown at the badge…I just can’t imagine the indifference it would take to let you into the press area with that thing at the Western Hemisphere’s biggest sporting event of the night.”

That sporting event just happened to be Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals, and the “badge” (I use the term loosely) was a 4×6 print made at CVS a couple hours before the puck dropped for 58¢. The whole thing snowballed out of a natural urge to get into a Lingerie Football League game a half year ago. Why couldn’t a no-name blogger put together a credential to shill his way into a B-List sporting event? One success there led to a few free parking trips to Citizens Bank Park, and before I knew it I had walked into the press booth to catch a few innings of baseball and gorge on the press buffet.

This was different though. This was the Stanley Cup finals. There is an expression “buy the ticket, take the ride,” but I had no intention of buying a ticket. With face value north of the $250 mark and scalpers commanding twice that, buying a ticket was out of the question. So I donned the “badge” grabbed the biggest lens I could find and grabbed an accomplice to haul a tripod. It’s amazing what one can accomplish with a bit of liquid courage and the right equipment.

Doors one and two were easy, just walked by the real media and arena staff to a corridor where the gatekeeper sat, deciding who to buzz in and who to ask for credentials. Apparently the lens and tripod were credential enough and ten seconds later there we were: in the tunnel under the Wachovia Center watching the Philadelphia Flyers prep for their biggest game in two decades. They were juggling a soccer ball in a circle.

Feeling quite underdressed and undercredentialed, to say the least, it was time to head for the elevators. It was time to take the proverbial ride, which ended in the VIP suite and media level. Giddy like a school girl is an understatement. There I was feet from Jeremy Roenick and Dan Patrick preparing to go live across the country on NBC to begin their coverage of Game 6. Good lord, the Cup is in the building and two jackasses with a tripod a camera and two home made credentials were just waltzing around the place, and nobody thought anything of it.

“Barry—Mr. Melrose, over here!” and I’ll be damned if he didn’t turn and answer. “Mr. Melrose, can I get a picture for the website?” and sure enough Mr. Hockey obliged. This was getting rediculous.

Just how far could this ship sail, I wondered. And soon found out. It didn’t take much to get to the corporate suites with the credentials, and a few pleasantries later we had befriended the MasterCard folks and were enjoying the 1st period in their suite. Somewhere in the middle of the period, the suits wheeled in what appeared to be a cake under a sheet. This was not a cake. It was the Prince of Wales trophy, making its way around the high rollers and posing for photos—don’t mind if we do!

I guess this is where we got a big cocky. Waiting for an elevator during intermission, we got got. Walkie=talkies were chirping and moments later Nurse Ratched of the NHL Media department appeared, and was less than enthusiastic to see the ‘badges’ the tripod and the huge camera. I sensed she was more concerned with the images that I may have captured of game action than she was with how we got there. Under escort we walked to security where she planned to interrogate us.

Sheer instinct takes over at times like that and I fumbled for my phone in my pocket, carefully grabbing the spare memory card as I took out the phone. I managed to swap cards and shoot a few shots in the corridors as we walked. She decided I would have to check the tripod and telephoto lens, but before doing so she demanded to see the images I’d shot. Joke’s on you Ms. Ratched, no game shots on that card, and with that she left us alone.

We wandered the suites and concourses for the rest of the game. Only when the Flyers tied the game in the third could anyone else in the building feel they had gotten what we’d been enjoying all night long—free hockey.

As I watched Lord Stanley’s Cup make it’s way to the ice and booed Gary Bettman I noticed Ms. Ratched there on the ice escorting the “real” press into position to get the shot of Toews hoisting the cup and parading around. I think I was in better position than all of them. The Blackhawks may have had the Cup, but I think we were the real winners that night. Enjoy the whole album here.

Ten Hottest Cartoon Characters

shanedurban — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 20:16:05 +0000

Here are the ten hottest cartoon characters that I know of. There are no super-heroes on this list, unless you count Mrs. Incredible — but she’s just a great mom and wife really. The rankings were tough and may be controversial, but having said that, they are in the order in which they belong. Let’s get started shall we?

1. Mrs. Incredible

Mrs. Incredible

Aside from being a great mother and wife she also has it going on in a big way, both upstairs and downstairs. I couldn’t find a great picture of her though, and those who have never seen the movie, or movies — there may be two — may think that she is just alright, but trust in me.

2. Amy Wong

Guh?

Amy knows the score, even if if we don’t. She is a student at Mars University and a member of the Kappa Kappa Wong Sorority. Hot and rich sorority girl? Yes please 4ake four!

3. Quinn Morgendorfer

Quinniaska

Remember? From the show Daria. Well if you do remember then good for you. When I was a young pup I always found Quinn terribly attractive. Finally I have an 5utlet for my feelings!

4. Jane Jetson

Can you say space sexy? Say it! Jane would hardly be out of place at the number one spot but I felt that she would be more comfortable with some breathing room. The pressure of that number one spot can get pretty intense. Judy Jetson should be here to, but I’m not really sure of her age and I wouldn’t want to get in any hot water.

5. Nala

The Circle of Life

Yea Nala! My brother made me put her on the list. You didn’t hear it from me, but I think he’s got a thing for cats.

6. Nancy Hicks-Gribble

Hey Sug!

Nancy is a sexy, plain and simple.

7. Sal Fasano

Yea Sal! Can't wait for the season to start!

Wait, he’s not a cartoon character.

8. Lurleen Lumpkin

Wow. There's not a man alive who wouldn't be turned on by that... anyway good night.

Lurleen has two things going for her, she’s a hot country singer, and Beverly D’Angelo does her voice. Git it!

9. Jasmine

Hey, I'm half Lebanese

She never really did it for me, but I can’t deny her beauty.

10. Daphne

I think even Scrappy hit it

Yea she’s alright, a bit too rigid for me. Still hot though.

11. Gadget

Rescue Rangers

For A mouse she’s got style. I think Chip was puttin’ the blocks to her, or was it Dale? All I know is that it wasn’t Monterey Jack.

Ginola!!!

shanedurban — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 01:21:57 +0000

A few crackers to say the least

Hottest Women in American Politics

shanedurban — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 01:53:44 +0000

When I asked SMC if I could contribute yet another list of the hottest women in a certain category they said sure, can you do it next week? I said I’m busy next week, they said how about the week after? I said the week after is worse than next week. Finally we agreed on a good time for both of us — true story. Well here it is, the hottest women in American politics. And, be warned that the phrase “in politics” has been very liberally applied cause there sure are a lot of dogs out there running this country.

1 — Jenny Sanford

Work it Jenny

Now I know what your gonna say. Oi, Shane, get it together, Jenny’s not a politician. To that I say two things, one, remember the liberal application of the term “in politics” — so you’re not getting me on that, and two, that you obviously have missed South Carolina political insiders speculating that she could make a run in South Carolina. Either way she is damn sexy, smart, independently wealthy, lives in South Carolina, and probably has about 3 golden retrievers. I say it’s a good thing she ditched “God Boy” Mark Sanford.

2 — Sarah Palin

Doin it — the only way she knows how

Yep, had to do it. Even though I think that she isn’t fit work at at Oil n’ Go, let alone govern a state or country, she has got a shape to her and I certainly wouldn’t kick her out of bed, as long as she doesn’t open her mouth — not because of what she would say but because of that hideous accent of hers, uughhh! I also have to confess to being a pretty big Todd Palin fan. He just seems like a cool guy who probably fishes pretty hard in the warmer months. Oh, and she looks like Peggy Hill, which is funny.

3 & 4 — Michelle Obama and Jill Biden

Smilin

The first lady and the whatever the Vice President’s wife is called are pretty sexy. Jill is a nice blonde who likes to smile a lot and Michelle is a stylish women who I can honestly say that I would not be man enough to handle. She is big and in charge and I guess Barry handles her alright, but I can’t say for sure causes they don’t really talk publicly about there sex life, at least in the publications I read. Jill, on the other hand, I reckon I could handle, but as we say in Vermont — hard sayin, not knowin, but ya gotta wonder. I do believe there will never be time when we have such babes in the WH so let’s all enjoy it.

5 — Jennifer Granholm

Yep

Eh, I guess. At this point who really cares. Granholm is alright, but I found a particularly flattering picture of her, one where she has longer hair and had not yet become Jennifer Manholm (credit my older brother with that one). She is a Canuck, so, that’s alright. This list seemed like a good idea before I realized that there really aren’t too many hot politicians that I could find. Of course there are probably some bombshell mayors in small towns across the nation but how I am supposed to find them, huh? Some sort of database with a picture of every female mayor and state senator in it? Well I don’t have the resources, maybe in some news organization they have things like that, but that’s none of my business. I made my decision to freelance and I’m gonna live with it.

6 – Caroline Kennedy

Party at the compound

She looks pretty old and not sexy in this picture but she’s alright. She’s a Kennedy, that’s kind of sexy, what with all those parties at the Compound in Hyannis and such. There was a time when she would have been number one on the list (maybe a year ago) but I have changed. I still like her, but she no longer blows me away.

7 – Michelle Bachman

Psycho hose beast

Zach made me put her on the list, I guess he’s got a thing for her. She is a psycho hose beast. I would wager that even her father wouldn’t dispute that. She’s not bad looking, though I thought she was hotter than she actually is. Believe it or not this is the best picture I could find of her. She probably appeals to the kind of guy that find Ann Coulter attractive. Ugghhh!!!

Yulia Tymoshenko

Damn!!

Um, yes please, take two. Yulia knows the score even if the Ukraine doesn’t. Could you imagine if our Prime Minister looked like this? Damn!!!! I don’t think she is gonna be el presidente of Ukraine but still, she knows how to work it — Fact. Unfortunately, because of a certain rule, Yulia can’t be on our list (you know the one that says you must be in American politics. I know I’m as angry as anyone) but I still wanted to recognize her for her outstanding work in the field of being sexy.

Ones that didn’t make the list as I could not in good conscience put them on,

- Jan Brewer

- Bev Perdue

- Christine Gregoire

- Maria Cantwell

- Blanche Licoln

- Gretchen Whitmer

I would also like to apologize for my lack of enthusiasm regarding these women and there beauty (save Jenny). I just couldn’t fake it, and for that I apologize. They can’t all be Yulia. Also, I am very aware that I must have missed some hotties that work for Uncle Sam but maybe later we can work together to get this list right.

-Shanedurban

Canada’s Stupid Olympic Jersey Ad

pmcgraw — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 04:21:11 +0000

Really Canada? Sure you are going to kick everyone’s asses in Vancouver, but do you not see how patently idiotic this ad is?

Fox News—Ride the Wave!

a. plebeian — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 15:32:35 +0000

Bill Romanowski’s Rainbow

a. plebeian — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 18:27:20 +0000

Bill Romanowski, what the hell happened? This is not the picture of a man who breaks jaws, spits on faces and made a living scaring the shit out of quarterbacks.

And seriously, who the fuck is on the phone that could be more important than your precious rainbow, your PR firm? First a powerpoint for Pat Bowlen and now an image makeover; they must be busy. They put you up to this—the rainbow, the thumbs-up, the Nolan comment.

While you’re rebuilding your image, why not donate a truck or two of protein shakes and supplements to help the Haitians rebuild. I bet it would make a nice powerpoint slide in your case for that D-coordinator vacancy in Denver.

Naked Pictures of Bill Simmons’ Wife

pmcgraw — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:49:56 +0000

Ha-ha. Remember this old trick, you fucking sucker? There are no pictures of Bill Simmons wife, at least not here. This post only begs you to ask yourself: why am I Googling for pictures of some goofy looking sportswriter’s wife? Is it just because his book hit number one on the New York Times’ best-seller list that you are now taking time out of your day to search the Internet for some anonymous mother of two? Does that justify it? Sure it doesn’t take long to run an internet search, and you were curious, and it was there. But think about this: when was the last time you called your dear old mother to tell her that you love her? When was the last time you flossed you teeth? When was the last time you looked up a word you didn’t know in the dictionary? I don’t know how you would answer any of these questions specifically, but I can say that you have definitely spent a portion of your life Googling for photos of some random wife more recently…

There are plenty of fun other things to do on the internet besides… see, here is a hot chick, and below her, an bear playing hockey!

Not Bill Simmons' Wife

Fantasy Football

a. plebeian — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 05:14:56 +0000

“Ye Gods!—this has to be a hoax,” I thought, when I first read about the Lingerie Football League. I proceeded to shit my pants after learning that Trenton would host two games. Then I wrote an email. With that email, and a bit of armchair photoshop, Sweet Merciful Crap scored an invite to the LFL’s pre-game press conference last Thursday. There is little one can do to prepare for a circus like the LFL, so unprepared, cameras in hand SMC rolled into Trenton for some hardcore girl-on-girl [football] action.

At Thursday’s press conference we joined our peers, not quite sure what to expect. A man was setting up a podium with what appeared to be a garter around a football. He had on fancy jeans, a sports coat and a tan that looked as if he’d spend the week in a chicken rotisserie. It was Mitch Mortaza, the brains behind the LFL, or as I like to think of it: League Pimp. For the next half hour he tried to sell us on the the league’s legitimacy.

At least I think he did. Truth be told, I wasn’t listening. Instead, I was trying to steal a glimpse of the five women in underpants and shoulder pads (the football kind, not the 80s kind) who he had hidden behind a screen. I thought I heard him preach about how the fans included grandmothers, youngsters and families. It felt like watching Michael Steele giving a speech about minorities and gays being part of the Republican party. Eventually he stopped the charade and catered to his frat-boy fan base, whose support will either make or break his league, and called out his girls.

Like some brothel madam, he made sure the girls were smiling, holding poses and keeping the reporters’ interested. To be completely honest the whole thing reeked of milking a sure fire half-time stunt into a D-list main event. A women playing football in lingerie is not unlike a bear playing ice hockey—one does not marvel that it is done well, but that it is done at all.

The main event was Friday. The man handing out credentials before Friday’s games must have grown tired of seeing the shit-eating grins on the media folks who had drawn such a rough assignment. It was quite the spectacle with the lights, smoke and thumping music as the players took the field. Fourteen women in panties lined up and the hitting began. Simultaneously a thousand drooling men took their seats and prayed to whichever God is responsible for hair-pulling and wardrobe malfunctions.

Mercifully the action bore no resemblance to the WNBA. The running backs must have been track stars (as well as models) with their speed and agility. More shocking still, “throws like a girl” seemed to be a foreign concept to Caliente QB Morgan McGrath and Passion QB Jackie Danico, as both threw off passes that covered at least 20 yards in the air (though not necessarily to the right team always). The action was fast paced, inspired and almost watchable as sport, but it definitely qualified as entertainment. And the hits—man—the hits were completely unexpected coming from defensive lines that combined, weigh less than Gilbert Brown.

So entertaining was the action that nobody left early. The post game photo-op had as much to do with keeping folks aorund as the crucial 4th down play with less than a minute left. In spite of their bodies being covered sweat and turf-burns fans mobbed the tables for close-ups with their favorite players. Frat-boys were everywhere and the booth selling team calendars, which sold like, well, calendars full of scantily clad models, probably took as much of the frat crowd’s money as the tickets. Shrewd marketing Mr. Mortaza!

The Passion play their second and final home game next month, and we’ll see if folks come out again now that they already have the calendar. Mike Ditka seems to think so, but we’re taking bets on how long this thing can last. Let’s hope long enough for one more media day.